You're cheesing me off so bad right now...

Listen, anonymous new officemates, you're already workin' my last nerve. If there are more than two empty stalls, you DO NOT choose the one immediately next to me. I purposefully chose a stall at the very end to accommodate your endeavor. Yes, indeed I need to rip toots. I am on lots of meds and you accepted risk by getting too close. I have no issues with that. But for goddsake do NOT come sit next to me and drop a S-bomb that would kill an elephant and unleash your nasty old lady tang stank.

Other items still on the Rules List:

• Wigger: if you're not comfortable walking around casually using the "N" word don't use this. It's offensive and we know what it means.
• If traffic is busy and I let you in the lane, vigorously give me the "thank you" hand. Acting like this is your god given right and not that someone has done you a favor makes me road rage-alicious.
• Men, in the presence of women I swear to god if you use the word "tits" referring to someone in the group and present, I may de-pants and junk slap you. It's innapropriate and makes everyone feel really uncomfortable, I don't care how funny you think you're being or that everyone is "cool." This happened this week with my best group of friends and it made me feel all bad.

It is NOT a tumah

I went in Tuesday at 7 freakin' AM for a neuro / motor skill exam. Quite frankly, at that hour I wouldn't be surprised if I failed. My favorite test was when she had me stand up, close my eyes, and then said, "I'm going to push you and see if you fall over." Fortunately, it doesn't appear that I've stroked out. it does appear however, that having gone cold turkey off of Zoloft was not a good idea. I've apparently been going through "SSRI withdrawal syndrome." I am back on drugs and feelin' fancy! I can even turn my head both ways!

My favorite planet is the sun!

Rockies win! Rockies win! In the month now dubbed "Rocktober" the Rockies bested the nasty poor sports of Arizona and SWEPT the NLCS and going to the big show!

Yeah, I banged the gov

Apparently, having not learned my lesson the first time coupled with a serious lack of funds, I put faith in Cost Cutters to trim my bangs and layers. I got stuck with some 12-year-old-could-give-a-fuck who gave me the worst chop job ever then had attitude when I asked her to check the layers. I look like Debra Winger from Terms of Endearment, including the crazy wonk-eye (but I always have that). She then proceeded to charge an extra $15 to blow it out to check the lengths, etc. I am so angry about it I'm sick. When my boyfriend tipped as we cashed out, I almost punched him.

Quote of the Day

Quote of the day: "This place is awesome cuz I can finally get hepatitis. I hope you guys have hobo stab insurance. Great! The birthplace of crack." - Schrader, Accepted (4:50).

Baby need a diawpwer?

"It started with a few bottles of water. Then beer containers. Before the fans at Chase Field were done, they had lost their dignity and their Arizona Diamondbacks had lost control of the National League Championship Series. "

I am a baseball fan. I mean that in the truest sense, I can watch 3 hours of a slow moving, fun, awesome game mostly manned by old fat guys who look like they just rolled outta their pork rind pile and stumbled out of the bar to try their hand at sports, just for the fun of it. When I was a kid my dad would sometimes get tickets to the Royals games. It was SUCH a treat, and big Danny required adult level patience and behavior. We would have treats and he would sit with me and talk about the game. I think if he had his druthers he would be buried at Cooperstown. Growing up I played competitive softball and ump'ed for girls' fast pitch games. I would sometimes work a tournament and ump 4 or 5 games in one day in the hot, dusty, h-u-m-i-d Nebraska weather. And I loved every minute of it.

Since moving to Colorado, while I couldn't care less about the Broncos taking it up the rue, I LOVE Rockies baseball. Coors Field is gorgeous with a brilliant open view of the mountains and a clean, classical architectural layout. And if you're not a sports fan, let me tell you this: this year, the young club ROCKS MY SH*T. For the first time in franchise history the team played in the NLCS (National League Championship Series) against the dirty batardos of Phoenix: The Arizona Diamondbacks.

During the game, Justin Upton was batting for the frustrated Arizona team when he was hit by a 92 mph fast ball by left-hand starter Joe Francis. Upton trotted off on a temper tantrum run to first for the HBP. On the next up-to-bat hit, Upton slide late into (my favorite player) #7 short-stop Kazuo Matsui hitting him and giving, for good measure, a nasty left hook to Matsui's leg. The umps were in agreement that this called for the forced double out rule (offensive interference). Diamondback fans were enraged and showed this by not only boo'ing but throwing water bottles and then beer bottles and trash onto THEIR - OWN - FIELD. The Rockies coach finally called his team off the field until trash was removed and the crowd calmed down.

A couple of things struck me here. A) that was about $1000 worth of Aquafina on the field and I have a feeling that Pepsi execs were creamin' their jeans. B) I thought COLORADO fans were nasty, but not abusive! Oh, I am so unhappy that my player pulled a dirty slide on the field! I'm going to throw my $9 Bud Light onto the field. Uhnnn. Mommy! *stamps feet*

They nearly ruined what was a lovely and ass-kicking game. I am so glad the Rockies stayed strong and man-handled those jerks; seriously it's a great game. Get a f'n life and accept the fact that your team and your crowd threw a group temper tantrum with the sophistication of Brittney Spears. Next time just show us your hoo-hoo too, it'd be more classy.

Song of the Day: Looking for a Love

Today's song of the day is "Looking for a Love," by Ryan Shaw. He's a hot young singer reminiscent of Motown and 50's sock hops. I have been such a negative biatch this week, I figure I need some happy pep. Check it out from the "This is Ryan Shaw" album.

For the Keeme

3SW-163-BITEME

KooKoo for cocoa puffs -->

Happy Friday from cubicle #3SW-163-BITEME. In answer to your question - non. Even if you were in the building you couldn't find me; this place is bigger than Epply Airfield. Seriously.

it's like I'm sort of like high all day but not

This past week, on top of everything, I have been afflicted with what I can only describe as “THBF (Too hot bath feeling) Syndrome.” I have been hovering somewhere between getting high and being just dizzy all week. I’ll grant you that the first couple of days, it was sort of amusing. Now, not so much. I did go to the scary urgent care, and yes, I am unendingly grateful on hands and knees to have healthcare again, but got the I-sort-of-care-but-don’t PA. He determined it “might be sinuses, keep doing what you’re doing, what do you think?” I don’t know dude you’re the PA. “But, for now I don’t think you need a neuro exam.” Okay, fine. What is surprising is the random stuff that makes me go all first big drop on a roller coaster, I just left my brain 20 feet above tickly feeling:

• Using my shoulder to hold a cell phone = BAD. Do not try this especially while driving.
• Moving head between notes and computer screen. I would liken this to the feeling of just nodding off in church…with a hangover. Oh, remember last night, hottie in the pool hall, jack and diet, whoa, WHOA whoa, WHOOPS, slip, slipping! L-U-R-C-H.
• Standing up. Seriously, a biatch.
• Elevators: no longer my mode of transportation. It’s okay the stairs are better for me anyway.
• Bending over to pull up pants / underpants / tie shoes. I keep thinking of that Seaseme Street where the kid learns to button his own shirt. I’m all, YEAH! I zipped up my OWN PANTS.

…oops, new one – trying to spell check on blogger. Blurgh.

Song of the Day: Whole Wide World

Last night we had to say ciao to our dear friend Toddly who is making a big move back to Mississippi (I love typing that b/c I get to do the spelling rhyme in my head). As we get older we move on, friends move on, but you can always tell the difference between a ciao and a real goodbye. I know we'd all go the whole wide world for each other and that's pretty fucking cool.

Song of the Day: Whole Wide World by Reckless Eric. Check it.

Sick Day

I stayed home sick today. I don't take many Sick Days, and if I do it tends to be Diagnosis: Brown Bottle Flu. This is how a typical Sick Day goes:

• Midnight passes: no stoppin'
• 1:00 AM: declarations of love and telling pals "NO seriously, I LOVE you. When I said your significant other was gay I only meant I saw him making out with a dude once....Nooo...it's TOTALLY cool, right?"
• 2:00: stumble home
• 2:45: find secret stash of Jim Beam under the sink. Start smoking in the house and crying at a very special Sex in the City rerun on TBS.
• 3:30: crash on chair / bathroom floor / back steps.
• 5:45: Awake with a mind crushing, life altering hangover headache and whiskey sweats.
• 7:00: In blind panic awake with no idea of location, day, time, name, etc. Figure out that should be at some office somewhere; formulation of excuses begins. As have probably vomited already this works in my favor (voice is rough and raspy).
• 7:34: after careful and diligent obsession, call into work and make vague allusions to some GI matter so horrid you are actually SPARING the boss by not divulging said illness.
• 9:00: still can't sleep b/c the guilt is creating realistic and torturous dreams of being chased down by The Man while I am still in my pajamas.
  
• Email Sick-Day safety buddy in Chicago to inform of day at home.
  
• Intermittently feed self a careful diet of liquid Advil, juice and fried eggs.
• This is the point, around 11 AM when I am watching Judge Judy lay the smack down that I start to feel small, pathetic, and fall into a swirling hole of depression at the loss the day and how I've been taking my entire life for granted. Call / email Sick Day-phobe safety buddy in Chicago for reassurance of self-worth.
• 1:00 pm: begin to write detailed plan for starting life over, get healthy, become responsible, go to church, do yoga, clean my house, etc.
• 2:30: nap
• 4:00: JEEZUS craps is it ALMOST FIVE?!? I have nothing left, I have to go back to work in minutes! NO, No, wait! Wait! I didn't get to watch my Captain Ron DVD yet!!!
• 6:00: dinner out somewhere, possibly with night cap

Today, sadly, broke all those rules and oddly actually being sick as crap made my Sick Day so stress free! I slept until 12, found out my car is dead and still managed to snack / nap away the afternoon. Far and away most relaxing and best sick day in years.*

*despite pounding sickness

SPOILER: Upcoming Podcast

What 3 year podcast veterans have a new vidcast coming out soon...

Sources report they are "carucoo in the memberbrain" and possibly intoxicated.

Operation: Welcome Home parti deux

I hadn't actually asked Patti about the plan before posting, this is her reply:

"It means a lot to me, and I know he will enjoy it a lot too. I worry that soldiers returning home (and all those overseas too) don't know how much we appreciate all that they have done. We take it for granted, or at least I did until Rob's unit got activated. So I think it is important to how our support, and this is a great way to do it. Thank you, for everything. Love, Patti. "

Song of the Day: Breakin' Up

Song of the Day Returns! Today is "Breakin' Up" off the new Rilo Kiley album. It's so groovy, I can't quit listening. I got a good feeling, um, my neighbors probably hate me.

For the luscious Tony! :)

Operation: Welcome Home

If you've ever had the great pleasure of meeting my friend Patti (one of the finest cookies in the aisle) you might be aware that her boyfriend Rob (pictured on a visit home) has been serving in Iraq. We are expecting that sometime before October 13 Rob, who is making his way through Kuwait back to MI for a time, will be back in North Platte for the return home ceremonies.

I am going to drive up and be part of the welcome gang. I am putting together a Welcome Home kit. I had a bath-tub brainstorm and thought how wonderful it would be if we could throw in lots of Welcome Home cards. I have so many cool, fun, creative friends who could draw a funny picture or use the attached for inspiration, write a note, and maybe just include your first name and city. I will print them all off / burn messages / include this in my kit. if you want to contribute something physical I can shoot you mailing info. I know it's short notice but I thought I would love to fill up his basket with lots of love!