You got real potential, Kit Deluca

I am coming to the realization that job hunting is a lot like dating - only money is involved and I'm not a hooker. You start by letting your colleagues and friends know you're looking and on the hunt. If you're lucky, they know someone who is looking too and might JUST be perfect for you. They sell blow-up panda bears and fart cushions - it's called a specialty advertising company - and that's what you do... right?

Then there's the initial communication, formal and structured, running down the short list of your best attributes. I am absolutely lovely, help rescue chinchillas and babies in my spare time, and have all these amazing skills - wouldn't you LOVE to meet me? Yes, I DO have an extensive background in offset and digital print media production and purchasing (don't be jealous ladies).

The initial phone conversation is make or break - a set-up blind date wherein the parties only know the best attributes of one another. How do they SOUND? Am I making sure to use a non-regional dialect, do I need to personality flex? Why is he only referring to the female staffers as "that group." Uh-oh, a family business. RUN, RUN! "Oh what do you know, my other line is beeping I think it's a telemarketer. I'd better take this!"

I actually love interviewing - it's my favorite part of the process. When I get into the right zone and can communicate face-to-face - it's where I shine. But now I'm going through all the gut-wrenching effects of getting ready for that real first date - I revert to 13 and get religious. I am overweight, what if I'm not cool enough for this bike shop, what should I wear, do I need to pop out my nose ring, God please keep me from chewing on my hair*, ah Jeebus my nails look like I just crawled out of a ravine, lord there are more holes in these pantyhose than in G.W's foreign policy, goddammit I'm late!

This morning, I had a phone interview for a job I was almost excited about. In an email on Friday, the president of the company said he'd contact me Monday. I prepped all weekend, downloading the company's overview and sales presentations, looked through the client list. I wrote questions and consulted with Big Danny on them. The dude, we'll call him DB, called me Tuesday morning, and was annoyed I wasn't immediately available. Yeah, hi, you were supposed to call me yesterday. It went a little something like this:

DB: Tell me a little bit about your last position and the responsibilities there.
Me: * so we didn't read my cover letter or resume* Well, x, y, and z. Fabulous, non?
DB: So you had no client contact.
Me: Um, as I mentioned in item y I did have sales responsibilities and client contact.
DB: It looks like your experience is vertically in health care.
Me: Ah, well, if you look through RESUME you might notice that lots of it is software, technology and the legal field and this is what I believe I have to offer...
DB: Well, as I thought you're just not a good fit. * click*
Me: JILTED!

*it's a weird habit, I don't really chew I rub it on my face and I can't help it. I blame my mother.

What should I do now?

Marketing has not been kind to me, nor I to it. I find it ironically isolating and not at all what I wanted to do. Now that I'm unemployed. "I don't know! But you'd better fucking figure it out," as Glynis Johns would say.

Things I've been considering:

• Companion / home care for the elderly
• Paralegal
• Attorney
• Nurse
• Fighter pilot*
• Puppy petter (this must be a job, right?)
  
• Sharp shooter (seems cathartic)

*'s blind trophy wife

Do you hear that?

I think my brain might explode. I can hear that: "Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssszzzzzzzzz" sound like in cartoons when the string to the dynamite is burning up. Kids these days.*

*I mean adults with jobs where they're actually incented to work and yet chose not to use the tools I've worked overtime on so that they can make more money for themselves.

na na na na nah naaa na na...

If you live in a neighborhood with lots of trees, especially a crowded urban area, sunset and early evening can play weird tricks on your depth perception. Walking alone in the evening, as I do quite a lot around my neighborhood to the store (or more likely) bar, I try to keep a sharp eye on who's behind me and in front of me. It's not to say I'm paranoid, but after a friend of mine got jumped one night in my neighborhood walking back from "our" bar - her purse was stolen and person beaten by a group of guys - I try to be aware of what's going on around me. If you're starting out on a block corner and someone is at the other end, the streetlights can make the person at the other end of the block look bizarre.

The other night I saw this man and I swore he walking sideways doing a jig, the flecks of intermittent light acting almost like candlelight would. I thought well, not surprising but really that's too much cardio for this hour. The hardest part is being able to distinguish if someone is walking towards you or away from you. This is a good bit of info to have say, if I'm alone and a 6'2" man is at the other end of the block. I might cut over, just in case, so I don't have to treat a perfectly nice person as a psychopath or a psychopath as a friendly neighbor. The frustrating part of this streetlight, gettin'-jiggy, dancing phenomenon is the inability to tell which direction someone is going no matter how much you strain to look. I think that's been my month.

Mollygood, what's in a name

Check out Mollygood's, one of my favorite blogs on planet Internet, inaugural Hot List. This is why I love it. To call it good is an understatement.

Random thought

At least once a day I have a fantasy about cutting off all my hair in one chunk; not b/c I want it short but just because I like to cut stuff.

Enemy of the Day: Jack Daniels

You sick sick, beautiful man.

The Biggest Boozer, Weak 2:

I only lost about 2.75 lbs, we'll call it 3 to make me feel better. I was a total slacker like 2 nights this week and ate things I shouldn't have. I have been doing well at going to the gym, even when I'm such a whiney bitch I annoy myself. I talked to the bride-to-be last night about it. Weight loss is so hard * stomps feet * I've been doing well at sticking to the Weight Watchers flex points system. This week I have once again confirmed my biggest opponent. It's not pizza, or junk food, or sweets, if I pack meals I do just fine. If I have food ready I'm good to go; I can eat the same meal for months on end, I'm a robot like that. My biggest enemy: booze. It's apt that I am calling this The Biggest Boozer weight loss challenge, b/c a) I don't drink a drink. That would be one thing. I drink loads of drinks. Its easy for me to not drink, but when I do its easy for me to have 6+ drinks. I tried switching to rum and diet Coke (ugh) b/c it has fewer calories than my beloved whiskey. But b) I then also snack, eat junk food, need junk food the next day to help me get right again post-booze. It's a vicious cycle of drinking and eating. I've been doing well to substitute my drinks at Trivia for tall Diet Cokes, it seems like as long as I have one in my hand and a straw I am okay with that. It's going to be a long road to the 30 lbs, but closer to my first 10 lb mark. I have gotten some submissions for ideas on each 10 lb mark, more to come...

7 down, 3 to go to see what whacky thing I do! :o)

One at a time, PLEASE!

So this morning was my first weigh in on the scale of injustice. Admittedly, deep down, I had really hoped that for the sake of myself and those around me I would have magically lost 20 lbs and my mussy auburn hair had suddenly gone blonde when I looked up in the mirror. I lost 4 pounds. Not a terrible start for week 1 but quite frankly I hoped for more. I feel exponentially better already, making progress, eating the way I actually LIKE to eat and I am looking foward to my gym time at night. Not because I like the way my out of shape body fights but actually I love the way it feels at the end. Hopefully week 2 will yield an even better result; I am definitely shirking on water intake so that is the first thing to work on this week.

Here we go again

Happy New Year to nerdlingers and bumtoots alike. We are gearing up for some Borderline and even a new mini-segment by yours truly.

Song of the Day to ring in the new year: "Night Drive" by Chromatics. Hope everyone had a safe and holiday!

Get out uh my dreams! ba da ba dump bum

I dreamt about Him the other night. Oh, you know Him. Everyone has a Her, or Him or a Him/Her that comes into your life simply to make it amazing and them spectacularly painful for can feel like the rest of time. Yep! Saw me in half and count my rings because this guy had to have been like a hundred years ago!

He and She are apparent by some distinct characteristics, for instance, they're emotional whores. They don't give two flips if you've been dating, just "been" together, been together but not "together," were married, or you simply passed one another in the aisle of Hinky Dinky from time to time. Without a second thought they'll brand you with a scarlet letter "A" as in "I've made an Asshole out of you. They also wield some other-wordly and deadly black magic. You'll notice your brain start to lose control, especially the logic lobe, and begin to convince your body to do ghastly things like drive by their houses at 1:00 AM, 2:00 AM, and 2:30 for good measure until you make sure the light is off. Now, don't believe for one second the blag magic hasn't kept up with technology. MySpace stalking is still stalking whether you're scouring their home page for new lovers' notes or seeing if they're online (and thus at home). I've been battling my own stalker this week who seems to have been permanently brain damaged but the part that knows how to text remains in tact.

For now the conclusion is no more dill pickle spears & pringles before bed.

Feelin' Breezy

I am wearing a new cute funky retro flower power pattern top and slinkly black sweater today. I am also wearing new jeans and heels, but I really doubt anyone will notice as I have been walking around all with my fly down. I don't know how I keep missing it; suddenly my pants are much more comfortable. And breezy. A couple of times I caught people averting their eyes when you would typically give the silent: "Hi there, yes, yes, how are YOU?!? Yes! You I know!" smile. In retrospect I think they were polite enough not to check out my holy American Eagle fairy glitter underpants but not bold enough to tell me so.

I will live my life as a lobsterman's wife...

And yes, that's where I'd like to be too.

Today's song is "Far Away" from Ingrid Michaelson's album, Girls and Boys. It's a fun, indie-soft folkie pop collection that I'm really digging. Give it a listen...and meet me on the port bow in five for a Sea Breeze and some carrot sticks. If you like any of the following you will probably enjoy the album: The Be Good Tanyas, Josh Ritter, Cake, The Squirrell Nut Zippers, Regina Spektor, old quality Lisa Loeb and Led Zepplain*.

*Not actually Led Zepplain

For Brue the Shark (pictured), resident of the Denver Acquarium restaurant

You're cheesing me off so bad right now...

Listen, anonymous new officemates, you're already workin' my last nerve. If there are more than two empty stalls, you DO NOT choose the one immediately next to me. I purposefully chose a stall at the very end to accommodate your endeavor. Yes, indeed I need to rip toots. I am on lots of meds and you accepted risk by getting too close. I have no issues with that. But for goddsake do NOT come sit next to me and drop a S-bomb that would kill an elephant and unleash your nasty old lady tang stank.

Other items still on the Rules List:

• Wigger: if you're not comfortable walking around casually using the "N" word don't use this. It's offensive and we know what it means.
• If traffic is busy and I let you in the lane, vigorously give me the "thank you" hand. Acting like this is your god given right and not that someone has done you a favor makes me road rage-alicious.
• Men, in the presence of women I swear to god if you use the word "tits" referring to someone in the group and present, I may de-pants and junk slap you. It's innapropriate and makes everyone feel really uncomfortable, I don't care how funny you think you're being or that everyone is "cool." This happened this week with my best group of friends and it made me feel all bad.

It is NOT a tumah

I went in Tuesday at 7 freakin' AM for a neuro / motor skill exam. Quite frankly, at that hour I wouldn't be surprised if I failed. My favorite test was when she had me stand up, close my eyes, and then said, "I'm going to push you and see if you fall over." Fortunately, it doesn't appear that I've stroked out. it does appear however, that having gone cold turkey off of Zoloft was not a good idea. I've apparently been going through "SSRI withdrawal syndrome." I am back on drugs and feelin' fancy! I can even turn my head both ways!

My favorite planet is the sun!

Rockies win! Rockies win! In the month now dubbed "Rocktober" the Rockies bested the nasty poor sports of Arizona and SWEPT the NLCS and going to the big show!

Yeah, I banged the gov

Apparently, having not learned my lesson the first time coupled with a serious lack of funds, I put faith in Cost Cutters to trim my bangs and layers. I got stuck with some 12-year-old-could-give-a-fuck who gave me the worst chop job ever then had attitude when I asked her to check the layers. I look like Debra Winger from Terms of Endearment, including the crazy wonk-eye (but I always have that). She then proceeded to charge an extra $15 to blow it out to check the lengths, etc. I am so angry about it I'm sick. When my boyfriend tipped as we cashed out, I almost punched him.

Quote of the Day

Quote of the day: "This place is awesome cuz I can finally get hepatitis. I hope you guys have hobo stab insurance. Great! The birthplace of crack." - Schrader, Accepted (4:50).

Baby need a diawpwer?

"It started with a few bottles of water. Then beer containers. Before the fans at Chase Field were done, they had lost their dignity and their Arizona Diamondbacks had lost control of the National League Championship Series. "

I am a baseball fan. I mean that in the truest sense, I can watch 3 hours of a slow moving, fun, awesome game mostly manned by old fat guys who look like they just rolled outta their pork rind pile and stumbled out of the bar to try their hand at sports, just for the fun of it. When I was a kid my dad would sometimes get tickets to the Royals games. It was SUCH a treat, and big Danny required adult level patience and behavior. We would have treats and he would sit with me and talk about the game. I think if he had his druthers he would be buried at Cooperstown. Growing up I played competitive softball and ump'ed for girls' fast pitch games. I would sometimes work a tournament and ump 4 or 5 games in one day in the hot, dusty, h-u-m-i-d Nebraska weather. And I loved every minute of it.

Since moving to Colorado, while I couldn't care less about the Broncos taking it up the rue, I LOVE Rockies baseball. Coors Field is gorgeous with a brilliant open view of the mountains and a clean, classical architectural layout. And if you're not a sports fan, let me tell you this: this year, the young club ROCKS MY SH*T. For the first time in franchise history the team played in the NLCS (National League Championship Series) against the dirty batardos of Phoenix: The Arizona Diamondbacks.

During the game, Justin Upton was batting for the frustrated Arizona team when he was hit by a 92 mph fast ball by left-hand starter Joe Francis. Upton trotted off on a temper tantrum run to first for the HBP. On the next up-to-bat hit, Upton slide late into (my favorite player) #7 short-stop Kazuo Matsui hitting him and giving, for good measure, a nasty left hook to Matsui's leg. The umps were in agreement that this called for the forced double out rule (offensive interference). Diamondback fans were enraged and showed this by not only boo'ing but throwing water bottles and then beer bottles and trash onto THEIR - OWN - FIELD. The Rockies coach finally called his team off the field until trash was removed and the crowd calmed down.

A couple of things struck me here. A) that was about $1000 worth of Aquafina on the field and I have a feeling that Pepsi execs were creamin' their jeans. B) I thought COLORADO fans were nasty, but not abusive! Oh, I am so unhappy that my player pulled a dirty slide on the field! I'm going to throw my $9 Bud Light onto the field. Uhnnn. Mommy! *stamps feet*

They nearly ruined what was a lovely and ass-kicking game. I am so glad the Rockies stayed strong and man-handled those jerks; seriously it's a great game. Get a f'n life and accept the fact that your team and your crowd threw a group temper tantrum with the sophistication of Brittney Spears. Next time just show us your hoo-hoo too, it'd be more classy.

Song of the Day: Looking for a Love

Today's song of the day is "Looking for a Love," by Ryan Shaw. He's a hot young singer reminiscent of Motown and 50's sock hops. I have been such a negative biatch this week, I figure I need some happy pep. Check it out from the "This is Ryan Shaw" album.

For the Keeme