Song of the Day - Hold Us Together

The Song of the Day is Matt Maher's "Hold us Together." Don't worry, this blog isn't getting preachy, I'm just taking some solace in it. Big Danny put this on a mixed CD for me last week - I think its a hint. I feel like I should be posting something angry, or hip, or sad, but I just don't have it in me.

Make Like a Tree and Leaf

I think the idea of finding ones self is a misnomer, kind of like trying to pull cookies out of an empty jar. What do you do when you're so lost there's nothing left to find? Do you make up something new? I have some memories of the person I used to be, and while some of it is revisionist history I remember being brave. I remember having dreams and an expectation of where my life was headed. I remember calling the boy and not waiting, commanding the attention of a dinner group with humor, of walking into my first job interview with confidence and hope, looking forward to new projects and having a passion for what I did. As circumstances of life changed, and I got older, I found myself allowing pieces of me to fall away like leaves on an autumnal tree. Now I'm standing here at 30, completely bare. It feels like it should be exciting or romantic - a movie-like reawakening that wraps up neatly in 90 minutes. But the reality of it, when you're standing alone in that moment, staring into the chasm of uncertainty and sorrow, everyday becomes an unbearable burden.

Some people describe the urge for change an "itch" - the seven-year relationship itch, an itch to move on, itchin' for a fight. For me, the urge for change is a radical, squeezing, heart-stopping pressure that's both a magnetic draw and a devastating reality. Typically, you don't run if your life is happy and successful. Its nothing new for me, this compulsion to run and evict my life. Things that are my own become foreign and strange in my hands. I truly begin to feel as if I'm in a stranger's home, wearing someone else's clothes, and everything around me seems staged and frivolous. Lock-jawed, I'm unable to maintain basic relationships or have normal conversations without having to pretend its something important. I don't like to be touched or cared about and find the slightest hint of intimacy painful. A hug becomes excruciating. My body and mind become hypersensitive and I seek out solitude as a way to find any sense of calm. Anything posing a challenge faces a severe slash-and-burn as I clear an escape route.

And here is where find myself once again - bare and lost and needing to run. And I'm pretty sure right now the whole damn forest is already on fire.

I'm a re-Tool

I'm planning on retooling the Your Mom blog for Your Mom: The Timeout Travels. I'm soliciting ideas about what might be cool and interesting - avoiding those that are an at-home-slide-show type nightmare.

A map? Embedded Flickr collections? Between now and next fall I will be logging something like four months of world travel from Europe, Morocco, Australia and Costa Rica - maybe more if I can find some mission / volunteer trips that aren't so expensive.

If I create a dedicated website & URL will I lose subscribed readers? I am very curious what other bloggers have to say about this. This is hopefully to keep family involved, doing more creative non-fiction writing, possibly the bones of an essay-style book. What would you want out of a blog that isn't trite? I mean, other than me getting kidnapped in a third-world country or having some spectacular injury (come on, you know one to five AT LEAST will happen).

If you have time for an email or better yet, comments I'd love to hear them! I think I've found a friend who might be willing to help me work on the site design.

Song of the Day: "Poker Face" [Glee Version]

Today's Song of the Day is "Poker Face" featuring the incomparable Idina Menzel and the stunning voice* of Lea Michelle. I swear I'm nearly done posting Glee songs.** The other day, someone had a disdainful and disgusted look when I said how much I liked Lady Gaga, in particular "Bad Romance" and "Poker Face." I started listening to her before she was a hit in the states on the iTunes Radio Station "Hot Mix Radio" out of Paris. Love it!

I listened to this song about 57 times*** this week. Its hitting close to home for me right now, and also its a great song to which you can sing your guts out in the car. My upholstery actually melted. Its science. I'm pretty sure I was listening to GaGa when I got pulled over by the Lancaster County Popo last week. Hey, when you've got the fever things like speeding are trivial! My apologies to Trooper Hatesmyass, and thanks as always to Life for letting me off with a warning. I can use the extra money to buy more Diet Rockstar and electronica for the car.

*Stunning voice, crazy ego
**Probably not, so get over it
***Its more like 200

New world discovery: something that makes me want to be LESS profane

I've been doing lots of reading lately in an attempt to be a less contemptible person - striving to be a little happier in the process. One theory I've come across during this time has really given me pause in my own conversational styles and the way in which I view others. This concept is called the "Fundamental Attribution Error."¹ This is a subconscious, psychological action in which we assume the behaviors of others are a direct explanation of their character. When this happens, we ignore the way in which others' environment or life circumstances can alter behavior. However as we self-reflect, the idea of what circumstances have affected our own behavior say, on a given day, very clearly explains which outside influences may have caused a skew in daily behavior.

A professor of social psychology at Stanford, Lee Ross, coined this term in a study and claimed that it was the cornerstone of social psychology. I've been really analyzing this and how it relates to my concept of others and how I treat others. I can think of 100 examples where at the post office, or at the grocery store, (or God help you, Disneyland) I mumbled insane profanities at others - calling them names - because of some small action I perceived to be inconsiderate or ignorant. And yet I've swept over my own bitchtastic behaviors when I've had a fight with my partner in the morning, or am outta money and have used it as an excuse to be caustic and frankly, hateful.

I've been testing out my theory, particularly while driving. For example, when a car is slow enough to cause disruption in the flow of traffic, I give it two minutes before making any declarations or spewing angry words. Here are a few examples of what I've found when I give it pause:

• One was clearly a car full of drivers new to the country, struggling with a map. The driver had the wheel clenched in his hands, eyes glued to the road, leaning over with focus and attention. Had I honked or swerved I might have really caused an accident or harm to someone clearly trying very hard to get around safely.
  
  
• Old people: my feelings on this vary because at some point I believe that you need to stop driving for the safe of yourself and others. And then one day I passed an older woman. She had faded auburn hair, funky glasses, and was also very focused on the road. As I passed her - I saw myself. How might I would feel at that age? I'm hard pressed to believe that just because of my age someone might keep me home-bound and if that meant I drove slower for safety, f*ck 'em that's fine with me. I went around her slowly - not really losing any time in my drive and eliminating the guilty feeling of wrongfully judging someone.
  
  
• The hardest group so far: smoking / cell phone talking / who cares about seat belt parents with kids in the car. I hold them to a different standard - I wonder how they can be so reckless. Have I talked on the phone with kids in the car? Sure! But it was for good reasons. Maybe these parents too were rushing to the hospital, to a school event, to the next job, to elderly parents...and, maybe not. Maybe that's how they were taught and didn't have a mother as disciplined as mine.
  

I find that in considering the multitude of possible explanations I am no longer willing to rush to a negative judgment. Some might call it naive or corny, but its a tiny bit of hopefulness and innocence I'd buried such a long time ago. Really, what does it matter? "Does it radically alter my day?" I ask when someone cuts in front of me at the grocery store. I might get angry - but the root is say, my own mismanagement of that day's schedule. I'm impatient with the fast food cashier taking their time in my order, but more likely than not its because I overslept and was unable to make lunch at home.

I wonder if smarter, more religious people are able to extrapolate this from biblical scripture or have a more innate sense of these sociological idiosyncrasies. I see many people who attend religious services without any regard for people on a day-to-day, no patience to take that pause and give thought to those around them. I've also seen the most intelligent and analytical atheists perform extraordinary acts of kindness and generosity. It does not follow that labels explain complex human beings, nor do daily behaviors indicate fundamental character traits. I think what I'm taking from this is learning how to be quiet and reflective. Who the hell knew?

Then again, some people are just jerk faces who could use a swift kick, a Twinkie, and a time out. I might be that jerk face - more to come on my Time Out Travels.

¹http://allpsych.com/psychology101/attribution_attraction.html
²http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lee_Ross

Brain Food of the Day: A Symphony of Science

If you're cooler than me (likely) you've already heard this awesome mix of science and sound. If not, enjoy! I went through a rather awkward period in life when I was kind of obsessed with both of these guys. I wonder if Carl is buzzing through wormholes and jumping from star to star - like his very own pinball machine. I hope so.

Song of the Day: Taking Chances

The other day, I was listening to the GLEE soundtrack for the 976th time. I was rocking out so hard in the Toyota (this is not lost on me) I gave myself a headache. It might be time to put away the GLEE, but not today. Today's SoTD is a little different, I hated this song when I first heard it. Now I can't stop. For your enjoyment: Leah Michele singing "Taking Changes."*

*For someone I think of, and should know who they are. If not, its due to my lifelong character trait of being too subtle.

Best Christmas Present Ever

"I miss you so much my back hurts. Get your butt HOME. When are you coming? Mom & I want to make sure we're here so we can run in slow motion from the house to your car and envelope you in hugs and kisses while Bing Crosby sings White Christmas softly in the backround. Can't wait, let me know........Daddy"

Weird and sincere, that's my dad.

50 second run-down

Recently I got some one-word responses to my old posts. This reminds me: oh! I have a blog. Danni's Fifty-Second run down.

- More troupes are needed in Afghanistan not because I endorse war, because I support sadly under supported troops in a half-assed effort.
- I know more Arabic than Spanish. Not helpful in the US
- Bourbon = awesome

Observations: edition 1

I have recently tried to take a step back and look at myself and lifestyle compared to other "adults." After getting "You're a weirdo" jokes one too many times from friends it struck me that perhaps I should try to step outside myself if you will and see what if anything really is different about me compared to others. I want to find the explanation for why when I do things that seem totally normal, even my closest friends shake their heads and mutter, "Oh Danni."

• I sleep in my clothes 90% of the time. Usually I just go until I fall down and sleep in what I wore that day. Apparently many adults wear "pajamas" or clothes made especially for nighttime or no clothes at all. Odd. This seems to really bother other people including best friends, sisters, mothers and boyfriends (for a totally different reason).
  
• Breakfast - it seems as those there are specific foods that are generally accepted as breakfast or morning hour meals. I, however, will eat anything I find and if I'm particularly hungry prefer to eat a "lunch" or "dinner" meal at breakfast and be fine until the evening. Example, today I found a four day old Subway 6" (I can't resist the $5 footlong, it's only $1.30 more than a 6"! Baffling) and put it in the oven (for health and safety reason) and ate it for "breakfast." It was perfectly delicious but some find this to be somewhat disdainful. What can I say? I was out of Ramen. Two days ago I ate leftover pizza I pried from a box on the table - it was just fine.
  
• Fun - the other day I found a copy of crossword puzzles on PS2 for $.39 on Amazon and ordered it for myself and my roommate. I was so excited! We both love trivia and watching TV (she prefers shows of the mindless order as escapism) so I thought that would be a cool group activity. When it came in the mail I happily exclaimed to she and her boyfriend, "Guess what I got for us! Crossword puzzles for PS2!" As it came out of my mouth, and I saw the reaction on their faces, it dawned on me that I was now uncool even by a-sexual MENSA librarian standards.
• Personal injury: normal adults don't seem to get injured with the consistently high rate and irregular manner I do. Some examples: went to get a jacket, a 50 pound tub of sporting equipment fell conveniently on my forehead; cut off part of my finger with basically a metal ruler; opened the palm of my hand a quarter-inch on a child's block toy; leaned over to get a toilet brush, knocked self out on bathtub; went to the mountains to journal and relax, got shingles; scooted car seat back, cut open my heel about 1/2 inch deep on the tracks that move said seat back and forth.
• Self-speak: I regularly narrate my day to myself, and frequently I go back over conversations, television shows, movies, to-be-written movies about me, and songs in my mind. It's like the Daily Danni Soundtrack. Sadly, sometimes this doesn't stick to interior monologue and I start mouthing or embarrassingly speaking this gibberish out loud. I remember once when my sister was in high school I was doing my college laundry, and I looked up and she was giving a timid: do I laugh or be worried look. She said, "What are you doing? Are you talking to someone?" It's a compulsion I try to keep at bay. Compulsion means it's not my fault, right?
  

I think this investigation will require some time - I am going to keep my eye out as much as possible for answers.

New-age child abuse

Can we say, "Therapy 4evr"? Disgusting.

Put away the ipecac

"Believe it or not, I've been a person of faith all my life...This press conference is a consequence." Just accept that you COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY fucked up.

Literal Videos: Total Eclipse of the Heart

"Emo kid is throwing Slow-Mo Dove at my face, guess that means he flipped me the bird."

I dare you not to laugh your face off.

Brand Claims: Motion activated suburbia scents

Has anyone else been paying attention to these ridicadonk war of commercials between Glade, Febreeze, and other nonsensical purveyors of air perfume? The newest campaign by Glade guarantees an all-knowing room freshener that releases air freshener but is "smart enough" to "know" when there's too much motion and will hold off on over-stankifying a room. When will the madness end?!? It used to be that an air freshener was an unspoken item in the lavatory that you kept around in case Grandpa had too much scalloped cabbage. In rare cases, it might be used before company - a whalloping rose or potpourri tornado would engulf the entire room an invade your eyes, ears, nostrils and mouth before fading quietly in 30 seconds or less - leaving you temporarily blind and nauseated in a ball on the floor.

I don't understand this obsession, first the plug-in gel packs (ok kept a dorm room less gross). Then there came heated electrical oil bulbs. WARNING, WARNING! Does this not go against every common sense safety rule we've been learning since childhood? Oil + electrical sparks? Go ahead, plug it directly into the wall attached to your house! Then came Febreeze "Scentstories." No, it's not enough for your Yankee candle to make your room smell like a cookie and give you the munchies, or a gelpack to ring in the scents of the holidays, it's gotta tell an actual story. The story that Febreeze tells me is that for $65-$80 I can have a pretend scent vacation in my living room and no money left for food. Hurray! I truly believe in the next decade, they will come up with a nasal implant that smells like cinnamon and thus negates any need for disposable household accessories to cover up where the dog peed last week.

On a sidenote, I may need to quit arguing with the TV when these commercials come on, or I may find myself on a Scentstory of a straight jacket, Valium and therapists' couch.

Song of the Day: I Love it Loud

Song of the Day is the Phunk Junkeez cover of Kiss's "I Love it Loud" from the Tommy Boy soundtrack. I should just make this whole album the music of the day - laced with audio from the movie it's a great way to spend a Thursday / Friday afternoon. Trust. I couldn't find any good inklays so if anyone wants to utpay one in the ommentskay that would be weetsay. * wink * I am so sneaky like that.

Ball Busters: fun for kids, exciting for adults!

I always do love a good game of Ball Busting.

Shine til the break of day

Everyone has those days, and three years ago this was a song of the day. just listen for now, just listen for Danni and Gpop. "Soulshine."

Song of the Day: Big Bottom

Today's Song of the Day is Spinal Tap's "Big Bottom" on account that Lynnie and I are going t the Unwigged & Unplugged concert. Hazah!

Unwigged

We'z goin.

Bar fights

I wins 'em.