Tuesday, February 24, 2009

You got real potential, Kit Deluca

I am coming to the realization that job hunting is a lot like dating - only money is involved and I'm not a hooker. You start by letting your colleagues and friends know you're looking and on the hunt. If you're lucky, they know someone who is looking too and might JUST be perfect for you. They sell blow-up panda bears and fart cushions - it's called a specialty advertising company - and that's what you do... right?

Then there's the initial communication, formal and structured, running down the short list of your best attributes. I am absolutely lovely, help rescue chinchillas and babies in my spare time, and have all these amazing skills - wouldn't you LOVE to meet me? Yes, I DO have an extensive background in offset and digital print media production and purchasing (don't be jealous ladies).

The initial phone conversation is make or break - a set-up blind date wherein the parties only know the best attributes of one another. How do they SOUND? Am I making sure to use a non-regional dialect, do I need to personality flex? Why is he only referring to the female staffers as "that group." Uh-oh, a family business. RUN, RUN! "Oh what do you know, my other line is beeping I think it's a telemarketer. I'd better take this!"

I actually love interviewing - it's my favorite part of the process. When I get into the right zone and can communicate face-to-face - it's where I shine. But now I'm going through all the gut-wrenching effects of getting ready for that real first date - I revert to 13 and get religious. I am overweight, what if I'm not cool enough for this bike shop, what should I wear, do I need to pop out my nose ring, God please keep me from chewing on my hair*, ah Jeebus my nails look like I just crawled out of a ravine, lord there are more holes in these pantyhose than in G.W's foreign policy, goddammit I'm late!

This morning, I had a phone interview for a job I was almost excited about. In an email on Friday, the president of the company said he'd contact me Monday. I prepped all weekend, downloading the company's overview and sales presentations, looked through the client list. I wrote questions and consulted with Big Danny on them. The dude, we'll call him DB, called me Tuesday morning, and was annoyed I wasn't immediately available. Yeah, hi, you were supposed to call me yesterday. It went a little something like this:

DB: Tell me a little bit about your last position and the responsibilities there.
Me: * so we didn't read my cover letter or resume* Well, x, y, and z. Fabulous, non?
DB: So you had no client contact.
Me: Um, as I mentioned in item y I did have sales responsibilities and client contact.
DB: It looks like your experience is vertically in health care.
Me: Ah, well, if you look through RESUME you might notice that lots of it is software, technology and the legal field and this is what I believe I have to offer...
DB: Well, as I thought you're just not a good fit. * click*

*it's a weird habit, I don't really chew I rub it on my face and I can't help it. I blame my mother.


texas tom said...

Sounds very familiar. Maybe this douche channeled the asshats from a certain airline that shall remain nameless ("Wanna Get Away"). They have been serially date raping me during my current of act of workforce attrition. I'd report them to the cops, but apparently they can legally gang bang my dreams while acting all high and mighty. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing they are full of crap. But then I can't feed the kids with that satisfaction, can I? But I can enjoy your post on the topic. And that is something, I guess.

BDLine.net Danni said...

Ugh, asshats are the worst! Right next to jerk faces and douche nozzles (a cousin to the douche bag). You can't feed kids on satisfaction, but you can give them lots of love which I'm sure you're doing at home. I really hope that this economy gets going - and there is some relief in sight. I got a notice that Obama is raising my unemployment by $25 / week. Yay!