Friday, December 18, 2009

Best Christmas Present Ever

"I miss you so much my back hurts. Get your butt HOME. When are you coming? Mom & I want to make sure we're here so we can run in slow motion from the house to your car and envelope you in hugs and kisses while Bing Crosby sings White Christmas softly in the backround. Can't wait, let me know........Daddy"

Weird and sincere, that's my dad.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

50 second run-down

Recently I got some one-word responses to my old posts. This reminds me: oh! I have a blog. Danni's Fifty-Second run down.

- More troupes are needed in Afghanistan not because I endorse war, because I support sadly under supported troops in a half-assed effort.
- I know more Arabic than Spanish. Not helpful in the US
- Bourbon = awesome

Friday, October 02, 2009

Observations: edition 1

I have recently tried to take a step back and look at myself and lifestyle compared to other "adults." After getting "You're a weirdo" jokes one too many times from friends it struck me that perhaps I should try to step outside myself if you will and see what if anything really is different about me compared to others. I want to find the explanation for why when I do things that seem totally normal, even my closest friends shake their heads and mutter, "Oh Danni."
  • I sleep in my clothes 90% of the time. Usually I just go until I fall down and sleep in what I wore that day. Apparently many adults wear "pajamas" or clothes made especially for nighttime or no clothes at all. Odd. This seems to really bother other people including best friends, sisters, mothers and boyfriends (for a totally different reason).
  • Breakfast - it seems as those there are specific foods that are generally accepted as breakfast or morning hour meals. I, however, will eat anything I find and if I'm particularly hungry prefer to eat a "lunch" or "dinner" meal at breakfast and be fine until the evening. Example, today I found a four day old Subway 6" (I can't resist the $5 footlong, it's only $1.30 more than a 6"! Baffling) and put it in the oven (for health and safety reason) and ate it for "breakfast." It was perfectly delicious but some find this to be somewhat disdainful. What can I say? I was out of Ramen. Two days ago I ate leftover pizza I pried from a box on the table - it was just fine.
  • Fun - the other day I found a copy of crossword puzzles on PS2 for $.39 on Amazon and ordered it for myself and my roommate. I was so excited! We both love trivia and watching TV (she prefers shows of the mindless order as escapism) so I thought that would be a cool group activity. When it came in the mail I happily exclaimed to she and her boyfriend, "Guess what I got for us! Crossword puzzles for PS2!" As it came out of my mouth, and I saw the reaction on their faces, it dawned on me that I was now uncool even by a-sexual MENSA librarian standards.
  • Personal injury: normal adults don't seem to get injured with the consistently high rate and irregular manner I do. Some examples: went to get a jacket, a 50 pound tub of sporting equipment fell conveniently on my forehead; cut off part of my finger with basically a metal ruler; opened the palm of my hand a quarter-inch on a child's block toy; leaned over to get a toilet brush, knocked self out on bathtub; went to the mountains to journal and relax, got shingles; scooted car seat back, cut open my heel about 1/2 inch deep on the tracks that move said seat back and forth.
  • Self-speak: I regularly narrate my day to myself, and frequently I go back over conversations, television shows, movies, to-be-written movies about me, and songs in my mind. It's like the Daily Danni Soundtrack. Sadly, sometimes this doesn't stick to interior monologue and I start mouthing or embarrassingly speaking this gibberish out loud. I remember once when my sister was in high school I was doing my college laundry, and I looked up and she was giving a timid: do I laugh or be worried look. She said, "What are you doing? Are you talking to someone?" It's a compulsion I try to keep at bay. Compulsion means it's not my fault, right?
I think this investigation will require some time - I am going to keep my eye out as much as possible for answers.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

New-age child abuse



Can we say, "Therapy 4evr"? Disgusting.

Put away the ipecac

"Believe it or not, I've been a person of faith all my life...This press conference is a consequence." Just accept that you COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY fucked up.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Literal Videos: Total Eclipse of the Heart



"Emo kid is throwing Slow-Mo Dove at my face, guess that means he flipped me the bird."

I dare you not to laugh your face off.

Brand Claims: Motion activated suburbia scents

Has anyone else been paying attention to these ridicadonk war of commercials between Glade, Febreeze, and other nonsensical purveyors of air perfume? The newest campaign by Glade guarantees an all-knowing room freshener that releases air freshener but is "smart enough" to "know" when there's too much motion and will hold off on over-stankifying a room. When will the madness end?!? It used to be that an air freshener was an unspoken item in the lavatory that you kept around in case Grandpa had too much scalloped cabbage. In rare cases, it might be used before company - a whalloping rose or potpourri tornado would engulf the entire room an invade your eyes, ears, nostrils and mouth before fading quietly in 30 seconds or less - leaving you temporarily blind and nauseated in a ball on the floor.

I don't understand this obsession, first the plug-in gel packs (ok kept a dorm room less gross). Then there came heated electrical oil bulbs. WARNING, WARNING! Does this not go against every common sense safety rule we've been learning since childhood? Oil + electrical sparks? Go ahead, plug it directly into the wall attached to your house! Then came Febreeze "Scentstories." No, it's not enough for your Yankee candle to make your room smell like a cookie and give you the munchies, or a gelpack to ring in the scents of the holidays, it's gotta tell an actual story. The story that Febreeze tells me is that for $65-$80 I can have a pretend scent vacation in my living room and no money left for food. Hurray! I truly believe in the next decade, they will come up with a nasal implant that smells like cinnamon and thus negates any need for disposable household accessories to cover up where the dog peed last week.

On a sidenote, I may need to quit arguing with the TV when these commercials come on, or I may find myself on a Scentstory of a straight jacket, Valium and therapists' couch.

Song of the Day: I Love it Loud

Song of the Day is the Phunk Junkeez cover of Kiss's "I Love it Loud" from the Tommy Boy soundtrack. I should just make this whole album the music of the day - laced with audio from the movie it's a great way to spend a Thursday / Friday afternoon. Trust. I couldn't find any good inklays so if anyone wants to utpay one in the ommentskay that would be weetsay. * wink * I am so sneaky like that.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Shine til the break of day

Everyone has those days, and three years ago this was a song of the day. just listen for now, just listen for Danni and Gpop. "Soulshine."

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Song of the Day: Big Bottom

Today's Song of the Day is Spinal Tap's "Big Bottom" on account that Lynnie and I are going t the Unwigged & Unplugged concert. Hazah!

Unwigged

We'z goin.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Song of the Day: Stormy Blues

People throw out the name, but do you know the catalog? True to my promise, here is the blues of the day, the indefatigable Billie Holiday, "Stormy Blues." Fantabuloso. Just enjoy.

I've been down so long, that down don't worry me...

Song of the Day: Shake, Rattle and Roll (the dirty version)

Today's Song of the Day is "Shake, Rattle and Roll"
the rather racy version by Big Joe Turner. I'm feelin' kinda bluesy nostalgia this week so look for more like this to come. My blues library runs deep. So grab your best girl / guy, have a whiskey and have a listen. Try not swing your hips while listening, I dare you.*

*David, you've got a hall pass.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Things I Hate Today

  1. Unemployment (standing)
  2. Favorite mary janes' leather came apart
  3. Irritated nose ring
  4. Being out of shape
  5. Arguing with boy
  6. Dead vacuum cleaner
  7. Miniature ants on the counter that I only I ever see (like Snuffleupagus)
  8. Drug companies
  9. Hammocks
  10. Printer boxes

Things I love today

  1. Pistachios when they escape their shells in a race to my mouth - win by being good to go without any cracking requirements
  2. $2 you top shelf you-call-its at my bar
  3. When you remember something happy, and forget what that thing is, but the fuzzy feeling hangs around anyway
  4. Someone helping you out, even when you don't deserve it
  5. Listening to four versions of Rainbow Connection in a row - but ending with the Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies cover
  6. Helping the old lady at the store read the "sell-by" date on a can of vegetables (see: 2010)
  7. Weather warm enough to free my toes from the shackles of socks
  8. Hulu
  9. Grilled steak
  10. Good advice

Um, okay this is early even for a Husker

I don't know about anyone else, but now that they sell out the damn Spring Game, I'm already getting emails about team gear (crap). Now, I boast a rather robust team wardrobe (not for baseball this season, thank you), but some of these cross a line.

Oh yeah! Red eyelashes! Looks like your eyes have an STD. Mmmm, I cheer for my team with eye herpes!!


Wanna spice up that tailgating? Prance around in a Huskers thong. There's nothing that'll save a marriage like a Huskers string. No guys, this is NOT a wise anniversary gift. I'm guessing 99% of these sell on Frat Row.









I'm gonna give the tiny dog sweater five stars for awesomeness, -1000 stars because we're heading into the heat and humidity that is a Nebraska summer. Your tiny dog will look cute, as it lays dying in the toilet trying to cool off.

Thank you!

Quick shout-out's and thank you's to those who help me cuz I'z a little slow on the computonic machine: Sandy Shelly, Turd Ferguson, Noecker, David B, Kory, Nee Nee and of course, Dangina & Commandrew (who taught me torrent!), Purplejoolz, and so many more I'm probably in trouble for not listing. Thank you so much for helping Your Mom and everyone for reading!

Song of the Day: Everyday I Have the Blues

Today's Song of the Day is "Everyday I have the blues" from the "Count Basie Swings; Joe Williams Sings" album. I recently cracked an old Count Basie best CD I had around - forgot how much I love this song. Enjoy this live cut, but I think I actually prefer the studio edition from the album.

Count Basie makes me feel all jibbly inside.

Sign-up through Feedburner, get three wishes

Hey, subscribed to my blog? Would love to have you do it through my new Feedburner link: http://feeds2.feedburner.com/YourMom. If you do it, you'll get three wishes.*

*Your Mom in no way guarantees the outcome of wishes nor is responsible for their content, you sickos.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog



Um, subscribe. Watch. Do it now. "It's not about making money, it's about TAKING money. Besides there are kids at that park. I can't have a nemesis with every guy in a parka."

For Ms. Megan

Monday, April 13, 2009

Phenomenal.



I saw this, then I sobbed like a little baby. This makes me so happy and excited - can't wait to see more. Today the little guy won.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

History Lesson of the Day: William Franklin was a dick



His discoveries included his investigations of electricity. Franklin proposed that "vitreous" and "resinous" electricity were not different types of "electrical fluid" (as electricity was called then), but the same electrical fluid under different pressures. He was the first to label them as positive and negative respectively,[21] and he was the first to discover the principle of conservation of charge.[22] In 1750, he published a proposal for an experiment to prove that lightning is electricity by flying a kite in a storm that appeared capable of becoming a lightning storm. On May 10, 1752, Thomas-Fran├žois Dalibard of France conducted Franklin's experiment (using a 40-foot (12 m)-tall iron rod instead of a kite) and extracted electrical sparks from a cloud. On June 15, Franklin may have possibly conducted his famous kite experiment in Philadelphia and also successfully extracted sparks from a cloud, although there are theories that suggest he never performed the experiment. Franklin's experiment was not written up until Joseph Priestley's 1767 History and Present Status of Electricity; the evidence shows that Franklin was insulated (not in a conducting path, since he would have been in danger of electrocution in the event of a lightning strike). Others, such as Prof. Georg Wilhelm Richmann of Saint Petersburg, Russia, were electrocuted during the months following Franklin's experiment. In his writings, Franklin indicates that he was aware of the dangers and offered alternative ways to demonstrate that lightning was electrical, as shown by his use of the concept of electrical ground. If Franklin did perform this experiment, he did not do it in the way that is often described, flying the kite and waiting to be struck by lightning, as it would have been fatal.[23] Instead, he used the kite to collect some electric charge from a storm cloud, which implied that lightning was electrical.

Source

Bonus - want more drunken history? Check it out on Borderline's After the Show.

Ride any? What do you think it's like Land Before Time with Littlefoot and shit - it's like Jurrassic Park!



It's better to watch these in order, but I needed this today. You'll recognize these guys now that they've gone on to "Kath & Kim" and other shows. Love.

You shrunk my Honda, you bitch!

Song of the Day: One Man Guy

Song of the Day is "One Man Guy" from one of my favorite all-time albums: Poses by Rufus Wainwright.

For Vermont

Hurra-AAaaaaay!

"Vermont approves gay marriage

Vermont today became the fourth state to legalize gay marriage — and the first to do so with a legislature’s vote. The Burlington Free Press reports that Gov. Jim Douglas’ veto of a bill allowing gays and lesbians to marry was overturned by a 23-5 vote in the state Senate and 100-49 in the House.

Under Vermont law, two-thirds of each chamber had to vote for override. Vermont becomes the fourth state to permit same-sex marriage, joining Massachusetts, Connecticut and Iowa. Their approval of gay marriage came from the courts."

Source: USA Today

We Made You



I have to admit, I'm an Eminem listener. He's been on hiatus for whining and napping (addiction to sleeping pills) and for his cameos as the Pilsbury Doughboy. But he's back and svelt with two new albums; this is his first single in two years. You can check it out on the album, "Relapse." Love. New Lynn's Hot Boob Sweat Celebrity Gossip theme song?

Monday, April 06, 2009

The Muppet Bus



For Lynnie

Concerns and clarifications

I had a few questions regarding my attempt at satire in the lead-in to the Iowa ban on gay marriage article. Civil unions are a civil right - and I am now and will always be in support of same-sex marriage. I go to a church where the pastor is gay and they support and openly explore the issue of gay marriage within the church - not even just in the law. They have a float in each year's PRIDE parade.

I hope that clears things up, I'm crushed to think someone misunderstood me. Some of my most beloved friends and family members happen to be gay, and sometimes my frankness on the subject leads me to speak without thinking about the read for different audiences. My apologies to anyone who was offended. :-(

Mom's gonna ride this one for a while

And the happiest place in the U.S. is....

And FYI, the girl in the red sweatshirt was my sister's childhood best friend and I took care of her most of her life. Yeah, insert "Knowing everyone" joke here.

Friday, April 03, 2009

Newsiness rundown

Iowa changing state motto from "Our Liberties We Prize and Our Rights We Will Maintain" to, "Our Ideas of Liberty are Flexible and Relegated to just the Groups We Deem Have Positive Bedroom Values."

Still unknown: will the raccoon on his head also have to attend trial. Timmy, as he's called, asking Judge for special "Wait in the Hall Pass."

PTA-types on crank jailed; in future news: little Chen makes plastic vomit.

Sale canceled, Madonna's engorged roid-veins subsequently suck all the rivers of Africa dry

Damn you Fred Savage! This explains so much!

Unemployment Rate Jumps to 8.5 Percent, 663K Jobs Lost in March

The nation's unemployment rate shot up from 8.1 to 8.5 percent last month, new figures out today show, as employers continued to slash jobs in the face of slumping demand.

The economy shed 663,000 jobs in March, the fourth straight month in which job losses have topped 600,000, according to Labor Department data.

A total of 5.1 million jobs have been lost since the recession began in December 2007, and more than 13 million people are unemployed.

The labor market is actually weaker than the official unemployment rate indicates. Groups excluded from the official count include people who are working part time but would rather be working full time, people who want to work but haven't looked for a job in the past month, and people who have become discouraged and given up looking. If those groups are included, the unemployment rate is 16.2 percent, up slightly from February.

The employment report casts a cloud over recent signs that the recession might be hitting bottom. Earlier this week, new orders for manufactured goods rose unexpectedly, suggesting the pace of that sector's decline may be slowing. Government data out Wednesday also showed the fall-off in construction spending starting to moderate.

Source: Washington Post

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Song of the Day: A Good Man is Easy to Kill

Today's Song of the Day is A Good Man is Easy to Kill, from Beulah's The Coast is Never Clear album.

Dedicated...to Ferg. ;o) mwwwwaaa!

Elke the Baby Leaf Monkey



Just made me a little less evil.

Source

Seen Yesterday on a Family SUV

Also on the car, a "Proud of my Middle School Student."

Pork Chop Sandwiches



A little nostalgia...happy fool's day.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Random Clip Art Image of the Day with caption: Medusa in a Swimsuit

Happy 85th, Gmom!


Gmom a few weeks ago on my visit home, stylish at 84.

My beloved Gmom Edna Mae, Special Ed as we call her, turns a beautiful 85 today. I love you!!

I have this great Polaroid of me as a baby - and grant you I wasn't the towering 5'2" I am today - dwarfing her lap (she's tiny) and receiving a bottle. Once, when they still lived in their home in Lincoln and I was caring for them, I brought up a great big load of laundry. She threw her hands down in her lap and said, "All the time we took care of you, I never thought the day would come that you would be taking care of us." I think of that photo now, how we both looked so small, and how much I miss being there to fold her clothes.

But all I need is a 7-day hit of Cipro

I think my political views are well know to readers of this blog, friends, the guy at the grocery store, some bozo in line at the DMV once. But let me just say I'm committing to a series of essays on universal health care. Call me a pinko-commie, socialist, what you will - I will appreciate it. Having gone through parts of life without insurance, I have always treasured it like a gift. I currently have a kidney and bladder infection and have been calling around for the cheapest antibiotics. I called my doctor and begged for a script or samples without the office visit - but since it's so bad I have to go in anyway. Fortunately they're going to comp me a culture, the doctor won't actually see me. I've been sick for like 5 days (ladies, anyone had one of these? 5 days is a decade) and I'm a grumpy biatch and sleeping about non-stop. Man, it's gotta get better than this somehow.

Song of the Day: Unsquare Dance

Yesterday blew. Like a daytime hooker over the lunch hour. Dave, as some of you may know my obsession, always manages to cheer me up.

Today's Song of the Day is Unsquare Dance from Dave's Time Further Out. Check it out, love it, thank him later. Besides, who COULDN'T love a song with Turkey in the Straw written into it.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

New feature - Random Clip Art Image of the Day

Title: "Man Attacking Butterfly"
Weapon: Sword - wtf, this seems highly inefficient
Thoughts: why why why would you want to attack a butterfly? I am terrified of them and I wouldn't get within 1000 feet of one to try to stab it. Why does this man have a nose like Gargamel and long red hair?
Why I found this: I was looking to find an eps of a raincoat for a new cartoon I'm writing...need to refine search terms.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Song of the Day: Dr Yang

Today's Song of the Day is Dr Yang. This is just a fun, funky song of the "real" new Ben Folds album "Way to Normal." A version of the album first "leaked" onto the internet with variations of songs featured on the final album - they're both fun. You can also get the alternative album called "Seeds and Stems." This is a really great song for the car.

Some friends, including reader Anthony, have attended the new concert and said he's amazing. Too bad Denver isn't on the list. * tear *

Such a painful trip, to find out if this was it

Despite the painful realities of my unemployment, I've had a week of rather ethereal reflection. Like every cliche in the book my thoughts keep wandering to boys: past, present, future, and imaginary. Understandably, life has been taking dips out of my self-esteem bucket*. To top it off I found in one week that a good friend is expecting, another has a new fantaboo job and an ex is engaged. I don't know how dudes feel when an ex gets engaged, but for a lady, well - for me, oh sweet Jeebus it hurts! It's not that I ever really thought about our marital coupling, but the indignity of a twisted weasel getting the happy ending before me is, frankly, crippling. The proximety of our lives ensures that I'll get all the details and in case I miss out on something, I'll get an alert from Facebook (you're bastard people!). Why in God's name do we keep emotionally dangerous people on there? I know lots of women that have kept heartbreaks as "Friends," it's like stalking and masochism in one tight little application for the new-age freak.

I'm not being totally honest. I did have daydreams about a terribly romantic ending with him - found having drunk ourselves to death in a Chicago studio in the midst of a movie marathon or something. A castle of blue Skyy bottles surrounding the couch throne, bronzed and amber bottles serving as a the gates, possibly a staff bedazzled with empty Valium bottles, Oh, the sweet joy of just the thought... ** How wrong is it that my first thought was: I am so much prettier than her! Have you ever heard that kind of shit come out of my mouth? What the hell?!

Talking with friends of mine, I think that this phenomenon I'm now calling WedEx, is not relegated to women who are single. Whether it's the one that never worked, or got away, or slept with your best friend - if it left that painful bruise right in the middle of your chest its gonna hurt even if you're fucking Simon Baker.*** In a weird way, I feel like it should free me from that distant thought of connection, and give me the opening to fill it with a new dream. In another way, I feel like the idea forces me to come to terms with my own relationship and it's viability. I won't get the liquor-couch dream by keeping myself unavailable - in love or in the workforce. It's going to force me to change my line of sight from beyond today into the future. Working now on zen centeredness, and quart of strawberry cheesecake ice cream.

* "Leadership and self development class" - complete with graphic; 6th grade
**I'm straight-up ignoring the incredibly disturbing, bubbling self-reflection questions that arise from this scenario.
***Simon, call me

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Song of the Day: Daydreamin'

On this gorgeous, magnificent Denver day - I enjoyed the sunshine and one of the few benefits of unemployment - a mid-afternoon walk. For fun, the Song of the Day is Lupe Fiasco's Daydreamin' Featuring Jill Scott. Enjoy!

Monday, March 02, 2009

Weather update



Yeah....I think I'm good here, thanks.

Good morning god, or good god - morning

Song of the day: First Flight, Blackalicious
Today's song of the day is First In Flight, from the Blackalicious album Blazing Arrow. Just get the whole album - tell me what you think. I already know why I'm listening today.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

You got real potential, Kit Deluca

I am coming to the realization that job hunting is a lot like dating - only money is involved and I'm not a hooker. You start by letting your colleagues and friends know you're looking and on the hunt. If you're lucky, they know someone who is looking too and might JUST be perfect for you. They sell blow-up panda bears and fart cushions - it's called a specialty advertising company - and that's what you do... right?

Then there's the initial communication, formal and structured, running down the short list of your best attributes. I am absolutely lovely, help rescue chinchillas and babies in my spare time, and have all these amazing skills - wouldn't you LOVE to meet me? Yes, I DO have an extensive background in offset and digital print media production and purchasing (don't be jealous ladies).

The initial phone conversation is make or break - a set-up blind date wherein the parties only know the best attributes of one another. How do they SOUND? Am I making sure to use a non-regional dialect, do I need to personality flex? Why is he only referring to the female staffers as "that group." Uh-oh, a family business. RUN, RUN! "Oh what do you know, my other line is beeping I think it's a telemarketer. I'd better take this!"

I actually love interviewing - it's my favorite part of the process. When I get into the right zone and can communicate face-to-face - it's where I shine. But now I'm going through all the gut-wrenching effects of getting ready for that real first date - I revert to 13 and get religious. I am overweight, what if I'm not cool enough for this bike shop, what should I wear, do I need to pop out my nose ring, God please keep me from chewing on my hair*, ah Jeebus my nails look like I just crawled out of a ravine, lord there are more holes in these pantyhose than in G.W's foreign policy, goddammit I'm late!

This morning, I had a phone interview for a job I was almost excited about. In an email on Friday, the president of the company said he'd contact me Monday. I prepped all weekend, downloading the company's overview and sales presentations, looked through the client list. I wrote questions and consulted with Big Danny on them. The dude, we'll call him DB, called me Tuesday morning, and was annoyed I wasn't immediately available. Yeah, hi, you were supposed to call me yesterday. It went a little something like this:

DB: Tell me a little bit about your last position and the responsibilities there.
Me: * so we didn't read my cover letter or resume* Well, x, y, and z. Fabulous, non?
DB: So you had no client contact.
Me: Um, as I mentioned in item y I did have sales responsibilities and client contact.
DB: It looks like your experience is vertically in health care.
Me: Ah, well, if you look through RESUME you might notice that lots of it is software, technology and the legal field and this is what I believe I have to offer...
DB: Well, as I thought you're just not a good fit. * click*
Me: JILTED!

*it's a weird habit, I don't really chew I rub it on my face and I can't help it. I blame my mother.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

What should I do now?

Marketing has not been kind to me, nor I to it. I find it ironically isolating and not at all what I wanted to do. Now that I'm unemployed. "I don't know! But you'd better fucking figure it out," as Glynis Johns would say.

Things I've been considering:
  • Companion / home care for the elderly
  • Paralegal
  • Attorney
  • Nurse
  • Fighter pilot*
  • Puppy petter (this must be a job, right?)
  • Sharp shooter (seems cathartic)
*'s blind trophy wife