Friday, March 27, 2009

Such a painful trip, to find out if this was it

Despite the painful realities of my unemployment, I've had a week of rather ethereal reflection. Like every cliche in the book my thoughts keep wandering to boys: past, present, future, and imaginary. Understandably, life has been taking dips out of my self-esteem bucket*. To top it off I found in one week that a good friend is expecting, another has a new fantaboo job and an ex is engaged. I don't know how dudes feel when an ex gets engaged, but for a lady, well - for me, oh sweet Jeebus it hurts! It's not that I ever really thought about our marital coupling, but the indignity of a twisted weasel getting the happy ending before me is, frankly, crippling. The proximety of our lives ensures that I'll get all the details and in case I miss out on something, I'll get an alert from Facebook (you're bastard people!). Why in God's name do we keep emotionally dangerous people on there? I know lots of women that have kept heartbreaks as "Friends," it's like stalking and masochism in one tight little application for the new-age freak.

I'm not being totally honest. I did have daydreams about a terribly romantic ending with him - found having drunk ourselves to death in a Chicago studio in the midst of a movie marathon or something. A castle of blue Skyy bottles surrounding the couch throne, bronzed and amber bottles serving as a the gates, possibly a staff bedazzled with empty Valium bottles, Oh, the sweet joy of just the thought... ** How wrong is it that my first thought was: I am so much prettier than her! Have you ever heard that kind of shit come out of my mouth? What the hell?!

Talking with friends of mine, I think that this phenomenon I'm now calling WedEx, is not relegated to women who are single. Whether it's the one that never worked, or got away, or slept with your best friend - if it left that painful bruise right in the middle of your chest its gonna hurt even if you're fucking Simon Baker.*** In a weird way, I feel like it should free me from that distant thought of connection, and give me the opening to fill it with a new dream. In another way, I feel like the idea forces me to come to terms with my own relationship and it's viability. I won't get the liquor-couch dream by keeping myself unavailable - in love or in the workforce. It's going to force me to change my line of sight from beyond today into the future. Working now on zen centeredness, and quart of strawberry cheesecake ice cream.

* "Leadership and self development class" - complete with graphic; 6th grade
**I'm straight-up ignoring the incredibly disturbing, bubbling self-reflection questions that arise from this scenario.
***Simon, call me

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