Sunday, December 16, 2007

Get out uh my dreams! ba da ba dump bum

I dreamt about Him the other night. Oh, you know Him. Everyone has a Her, or Him or a Him/Her that comes into your life simply to make it amazing and them spectacularly painful for can feel like the rest of time. Yep! Saw me in half and count my rings because this guy had to have been like a hundred years ago!

He and She are apparent by some distinct characteristics, for instance, they're emotional whores. They don't give two flips if you've been dating, just "been" together, been together but not "together," were married, or you simply passed one another in the aisle of Hinky Dinky from time to time. Without a second thought they'll brand you with a scarlet letter "A" as in "I've made an Asshole out of you. They also wield some other-wordly and deadly black magic. You'll notice your brain start to lose control, especially the logic lobe, and begin to convince your body to do ghastly things like drive by their houses at 1:00 AM, 2:00 AM, and 2:30 for good measure until you make sure the light is off. Now, don't believe for one second the blag magic hasn't kept up with technology. MySpace stalking is still stalking whether you're scouring their home page for new lovers' notes or seeing if they're online (and thus at home). I've been battling my own stalker this week who seems to have been permanently brain damaged but the part that knows how to text remains in tact.

For now the conclusion is no more dill pickle spears & pringles before bed.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Feelin' Breezy

I am wearing a new cute funky retro flower power pattern top and slinkly black sweater today. I am also wearing new jeans and heels, but I really doubt anyone will notice as I have been walking around all with my fly down. I don't know how I keep missing it; suddenly my pants are much more comfortable. And breezy. A couple of times I caught people averting their eyes when you would typically give the silent: "Hi there, yes, yes, how are YOU?!? Yes! You I know!" smile. In retrospect I think they were polite enough not to check out my holy American Eagle fairy glitter underpants but not bold enough to tell me so.

I will live my life as a lobsterman's wife...

And yes, that's where I'd like to be too.

Today's song is "Far Away" from Ingrid Michaelson's album, Girls and Boys. It's a fun, indie-soft folkie pop collection that I'm really digging. Give it a listen...and meet me on the port bow in five for a Sea Breeze and some carrot sticks. If you like any of the following you will probably enjoy the album: The Be Good Tanyas, Josh Ritter, Cake, The Squirrell Nut Zippers, Regina Spektor, old quality Lisa Loeb and Led Zepplain*.

*Not actually Led Zepplain

For Brue the Shark (pictured), resident of the Denver Acquarium restaurant

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

You're cheesing me off so bad right now...

Listen, anonymous new officemates, you're already workin' my last nerve. If there are more than two empty stalls, you DO NOT choose the one immediately next to me. I purposefully chose a stall at the very end to accommodate your endeavor. Yes, indeed I need to rip toots. I am on lots of meds and you accepted risk by getting too close. I have no issues with that. But for goddsake do NOT come sit next to me and drop a S-bomb that would kill an elephant and unleash your nasty old lady tang stank.

Other items still on the Rules List:

  • Wigger: if you're not comfortable walking around casually using the "N" word don't use this. It's offensive and we know what it means.
  • If traffic is busy and I let you in the lane, vigorously give me the "thank you" hand. Acting like this is your god given right and not that someone has done you a favor makes me road rage-alicious.
  • Men, in the presence of women I swear to god if you use the word "tits" referring to someone in the group and present, I may de-pants and junk slap you. It's innapropriate and makes everyone feel really uncomfortable, I don't care how funny you think you're being or that everyone is "cool." This happened this week with my best group of friends and it made me feel all bad.

It is NOT a tumah

I went in Tuesday at 7 freakin' AM for a neuro / motor skill exam. Quite frankly, at that hour I wouldn't be surprised if I failed. My favorite test was when she had me stand up, close my eyes, and then said, "I'm going to push you and see if you fall over." Fortunately, it doesn't appear that I've stroked out. it does appear however, that having gone cold turkey off of Zoloft was not a good idea. I've apparently been going through "SSRI withdrawal syndrome." I am back on drugs and feelin' fancy! I can even turn my head both ways!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

My favorite planet is the sun!

Rockies win! Rockies win! In the month now dubbed "Rocktober" the Rockies bested the nasty poor sports of Arizona and SWEPT the NLCS and going to the big show!

Yeah, I banged the gov

Apparently, having not learned my lesson the first time coupled with a serious lack of funds, I put faith in Cost Cutters to trim my bangs and layers. I got stuck with some 12-year-old-could-give-a-fuck who gave me the worst chop job ever then had attitude when I asked her to check the layers. I look like Debra Winger from Terms of Endearment, including the crazy wonk-eye (but I always have that). She then proceeded to charge an extra $15 to blow it out to check the lengths, etc. I am so angry about it I'm sick. When my boyfriend tipped as we cashed out, I almost punched him.

Quote of the Day

Quote of the day: "This place is awesome cuz I can finally get hepatitis. I hope you guys have hobo stab insurance. Great! The birthplace of crack." - Schrader, Accepted (4:50).

Friday, October 12, 2007

Baby need a diawpwer?

"It started with a few bottles of water. Then beer containers. Before the fans at Chase Field were done, they had lost their dignity and their Arizona Diamondbacks had lost control of the National League Championship Series. "

I am a baseball fan. I mean that in the truest sense, I can watch 3 hours of a slow moving, fun, awesome game mostly manned by old fat guys who look like they just rolled outta their pork rind pile and stumbled out of the bar to try their hand at sports, just for the fun of it. When I was a kid my dad would sometimes get tickets to the Royals games. It was SUCH a treat, and big Danny required adult level patience and behavior. We would have treats and he would sit with me and talk about the game. I think if he had his druthers he would be buried at Cooperstown. Growing up I played competitive softball and ump'ed for girls' fast pitch games. I would sometimes work a tournament and ump 4 or 5 games in one day in the hot, dusty, h-u-m-i-d Nebraska weather. And I loved every minute of it.

Since moving to Colorado, while I couldn't care less about the Broncos taking it up the rue, I LOVE Rockies baseball. Coors Field is gorgeous with a brilliant open view of the mountains and a clean, classical architectural layout. And if you're not a sports fan, let me tell you this: this year, the young club ROCKS MY SH*T. For the first time in franchise history the team played in the NLCS (National League Championship Series) against the dirty batardos of Phoenix: The Arizona Diamondbacks.

During the game, Justin Upton was batting for the frustrated Arizona team when he was hit by a 92 mph fast ball by left-hand starter Joe Francis. Upton trotted off on a temper tantrum run to first for the HBP. On the next up-to-bat hit, Upton slide late into (my favorite player) #7 short-stop Kazuo Matsui hitting him and giving, for good measure, a nasty left hook to Matsui's leg. The umps were in agreement that this called for the forced double out rule (offensive interference). Diamondback fans were enraged and showed this by not only boo'ing but throwing water bottles and then beer bottles and trash onto THEIR - OWN - FIELD. The Rockies coach finally called his team off the field until trash was removed and the crowd calmed down.

A couple of things struck me here. A) that was about $1000 worth of Aquafina on the field and I have a feeling that Pepsi execs were creamin' their jeans. B) I thought COLORADO fans were nasty, but not abusive! Oh, I am so unhappy that my player pulled a dirty slide on the field! I'm going to throw my $9 Bud Light onto the field. Uhnnn. Mommy! *stamps feet*

They nearly ruined what was a lovely and ass-kicking game. I am so glad the Rockies stayed strong and man-handled those jerks; seriously it's a great game. Get a f'n life and accept the fact that your team and your crowd threw a group temper tantrum with the sophistication of Brittney Spears. Next time just show us your hoo-hoo too, it'd be more classy.

Song of the Day: Looking for a Love

Today's song of the day is "Looking for a Love," by Ryan Shaw. He's a hot young singer reminiscent of Motown and 50's sock hops. I have been such a negative biatch this week, I figure I need some happy pep. Check it out from the "This is Ryan Shaw" album.

For the Keeme


KooKoo for cocoa puffs -->
Happy Friday from cubicle #3SW-163-BITEME. In answer to your question - non. Even if you were in the building you couldn't find me; this place is bigger than Epply Airfield. Seriously.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

it's like I'm sort of like high all day but not

This past week, on top of everything, I have been afflicted with what I can only describe as “THBF (Too hot bath feeling) Syndrome.” I have been hovering somewhere between getting high and being just dizzy all week. I’ll grant you that the first couple of days, it was sort of amusing. Now, not so much. I did go to the scary urgent care, and yes, I am unendingly grateful on hands and knees to have healthcare again, but got the I-sort-of-care-but-don’t PA. He determined it “might be sinuses, keep doing what you’re doing, what do you think?” I don’t know dude you’re the PA. “But, for now I don’t think you need a neuro exam.” Okay, fine. What is surprising is the random stuff that makes me go all first big drop on a roller coaster, I just left my brain 20 feet above tickly feeling:

  • Using my shoulder to hold a cell phone = BAD. Do not try this especially while driving.
  • Moving head between notes and computer screen. I would liken this to the feeling of just nodding off in church…with a hangover. Oh, remember last night, hottie in the pool hall, jack and diet, whoa, WHOA whoa, WHOOPS, slip, slipping! L-U-R-C-H.
  • Standing up. Seriously, a biatch.
  • Elevators: no longer my mode of transportation. It’s okay the stairs are better for me anyway.
  • Bending over to pull up pants / underpants / tie shoes. I keep thinking of that Seaseme Street where the kid learns to button his own shirt. I’m all, YEAH! I zipped up my OWN PANTS.

…oops, new one – trying to spell check on blogger. Blurgh.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Song of the Day: Whole Wide World

Last night we had to say ciao to our dear friend Toddly who is making a big move back to Mississippi (I love typing that b/c I get to do the spelling rhyme in my head). As we get older we move on, friends move on, but you can always tell the difference between a ciao and a real goodbye. I know we'd all go the whole wide world for each other and that's pretty fucking cool.

Song of the Day: Whole Wide World by Reckless Eric. Check it.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Sick Day

I stayed home sick today. I don't take many Sick Days, and if I do it tends to be Diagnosis: Brown Bottle Flu. This is how a typical Sick Day goes:
  • Midnight passes: no stoppin'
  • 1:00 AM: declarations of love and telling pals "NO seriously, I LOVE you. When I said your significant other was gay I only meant I saw him making out with a dude's TOTALLY cool, right?"
  • 2:00: stumble home
  • 2:45: find secret stash of Jim Beam under the sink. Start smoking in the house and crying at a very special Sex in the City rerun on TBS.
  • 3:30: crash on chair / bathroom floor / back steps.
  • 5:45: Awake with a mind crushing, life altering hangover headache and whiskey sweats.
  • 7:00: In blind panic awake with no idea of location, day, time, name, etc. Figure out that should be at some office somewhere; formulation of excuses begins. As have probably vomited already this works in my favor (voice is rough and raspy).
  • 7:34: after careful and diligent obsession, call into work and make vague allusions to some GI matter so horrid you are actually SPARING the boss by not divulging said illness.
  • 9:00: still can't sleep b/c the guilt is creating realistic and torturous dreams of being chased down by The Man while I am still in my pajamas.
  • Email Sick-Day safety buddy in Chicago to inform of day at home.
  • Intermittently feed self a careful diet of liquid Advil, juice and fried eggs.
  • This is the point, around 11 AM when I am watching Judge Judy lay the smack down that I start to feel small, pathetic, and fall into a swirling hole of depression at the loss the day and how I've been taking my entire life for granted. Call / email Sick Day-phobe safety buddy in Chicago for reassurance of self-worth.
  • 1:00 pm: begin to write detailed plan for starting life over, get healthy, become responsible, go to church, do yoga, clean my house, etc.
  • 2:30: nap
  • 4:00: JEEZUS craps is it ALMOST FIVE?!? I have nothing left, I have to go back to work in minutes! NO, No, wait! Wait! I didn't get to watch my Captain Ron DVD yet!!!
  • 6:00: dinner out somewhere, possibly with night cap
Today, sadly, broke all those rules and oddly actually being sick as crap made my Sick Day so stress free! I slept until 12, found out my car is dead and still managed to snack / nap away the afternoon. Far and away most relaxing and best sick day in years.*

*despite pounding sickness

Sunday, October 07, 2007

SPOILER: Upcoming Podcast

What 3 year podcast veterans have a new vidcast coming out soon...

Sources report they are "carucoo in the memberbrain" and possibly intoxicated.

Operation: Welcome Home parti deux

I hadn't actually asked Patti about the plan before posting, this is her reply:

"It means a lot to me, and I know he will enjoy it a lot too. I worry that soldiers returning home (and all those overseas too) don't know how much we appreciate all that they have done. We take it for granted, or at least I did until Rob's unit got activated. So I think it is important to how our support, and this is a great way to do it. Thank you, for everything. Love, Patti. "

Song of the Day: Breakin' Up

Song of the Day Returns! Today is "Breakin' Up" off the new Rilo Kiley album. It's so groovy, I can't quit listening. I got a good feeling, um, my neighbors probably hate me.

For the luscious Tony! :)

Operation: Welcome Home

If you've ever had the great pleasure of meeting my friend Patti (one of the finest cookies in the aisle) you might be aware that her boyfriend Rob (pictured on a visit home) has been serving in Iraq. We are expecting that sometime before October 13 Rob, who is making his way through Kuwait back to MI for a time, will be back in North Platte for the return home ceremonies.

I am going to drive up and be part of the welcome gang. I am putting together a Welcome Home kit. I had a bath-tub brainstorm and thought how wonderful it would be if we could throw in lots of Welcome Home cards. I have so many cool, fun, creative friends who could draw a funny picture or use the attached for inspiration, write a note, and maybe just include your first name and city. I will print them all off / burn messages / include this in my kit. if you want to contribute something physical I can shoot you mailing info. I know it's short notice but I thought I would love to fill up his basket with lots of love!

Sunday, September 09, 2007

It's coming...

That's right suckas your mom is coming back. And this time she ain't bakin' no brownies. Stay tuned!

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Why I hate MySpace

Okay, one of the reasons, one of the many reason, I hate MySpace and it's vomitous waste of time and talent is the ads that run non-stop with some obnoxious SPAM like banner. "Put the lipstick on the woman before time runs out and win a car!" But I almost poo'd myself the other day when the "Shoot the Rapper" banner ad came up. The cross hairs are supposed to look like camera but it seems pretty obvious as the African American cartoon figure shimmies across the screen that you're trying to shoot the rapper. Disgusting. Since then I've seen two others. Am I the only one that finds this f'n disturbing?

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Do I sound like a broken record, or am I just repeating myself?

Well, I'm moving. Again. Although this time just across the hall to a bigger apartment. This makes the fifth move in the last 12 months. I think probably 80% of this danged blog has been about moving. I have actually PAINTED in the new pad; a smokey purple color for the bedroom and honey for the living room. I take this as a sign that I'm ready to settle. I love my apartment now but it's so tiny that sometimes I trip over myself. Even if it's just across the hall I still have to pick up, move and rearrange everything I own.

I am so excited! My kitchen is so much bigger and you won't hit your head on the wall when sitting on the potty. It's going to be a long day. :)

Monday, January 29, 2007

The first front

Today I began the serious battle of the buldge and went to the gym near work. I really didn't want to go, it was cold and I was tired and had all the excuses stacked up and neatly organized in my pocket. I went to the gym, internally whining and moaning and complaining. I felt like the fat kid - surrounded by these young, twenty-something hot bodies that hadn't been partying and eating their way through their mid-twenties. I was lamenting the fact that at one point I was trim and in good cardio condition and now found myself huffing and puffing on the stationary bike. I only made it through five minutes on that torturous climber / escalator thingie.

There was an older woman wearing a tan cap covering an apparently bald head; a cancer patient I assumed. She wore, from what I could tell, was a five dollar pair of worn black canvas Kmart shoes, modest knit pants and long-sleeved top with a paisely pattern. And, amist the Nike and Under Armor clad youth around her, she was kicking a*s all over the gym. When I was on my tour of the building she was lifting weights. She made her way to the stretching mat, I assumed to cool down, when she grabbed the oversized exercise ball, using the handrail to lower herself to the floor, and began doing some serious ab exercises. As I was getting ready to call it quits I found her again, this time doing more cardio on a seated bike. This incredible woman was waging a battle of her own greater than my lamentations over gaining weight and facing the upcoming wedding. I want to say that it motivated me to do another rep, another round on the treadmill, but instead I just wanted to go home and write about this cool thing that I saw, eat dinner and a to take a hot bath. Maybe tomorrow...

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Select Cuts

Select Cuts runs from February 1 - 27, 2007 and features the work of artists Katrina Florell, Jake Gillespie, Peggy Gomez, Andrew Hershey, Jennifer Hoss, Wendy Lanik, Joey Lynch, Anthony Mundy and Mary Pattavina. The community is invited to meet the participating artists during the Opening Reception held on Sunday, February 4, 2007 from 2 - 4 p.m. This exhibition can be viewed during the regular gallery hours of Monday through Thursday, 8 a.m. - 9 p.m., Friday 8 a.m. - 5 p.m., and Sunday 11 a.m. - 5 p.m. The Jewish Community Center of Omaha is located at 333 South 132nd Street, Omaha, NE 68154.

Today's Hot dish

Hot Dish for Today: Pamcakes

Why pamcakes? This is a specialty dish of Neil and a traditional Borderline breakfast meal.

Insider fact: Two pamcakes and a scrambled egg make up the favorite breakfast of Borderline's Lynn. Borderliners refer to pancakes as "pamcakes"; referenced in one of the earliest episodes nearly two years ago. In the U.S., pancakes can also be referred to as hotcakes, griddlecakes, or flapjacks.

How: low-fat starter mixes are very nice but here's a great recipe if you want to do it the from-scratch way.

  • Vegetable-oil cooking spray
  • 3/4 cup whole-wheat pancake mix
  • 3/4 cup skim milk
  • 1 egg (For 33 mg less cholesterol, 0.5 g less saturated fat and 65 mg more omega-3 fatty acids, look for omega-3 specialty eggs. BUY CAGE-FREE Eggs, it's ethically more sound)
  • 1/4 cup maple syrup
  • 1 cup frozen blueberries or frozen strawberries, thawed (optional)
  • Coat a nonstick skillet with cooking spray and heat over low to medium.* Whisk together pancake mix, milk, and egg. Pour 4 medium-sized pancakes (about 1/4 cup batter each) onto the hot skillet. Cook about 3 minutes; flip and cook about 3 minutes more. Serve with syrup (and berries, if desired)
*Danni's note: if you have non-stick cookware you really treasure, it's a bad idea to coat your beloveds in Pam or other cooking spray. A tiny bit of a trans-fat free butter or Omega-3 oil will do the same trick without leaving a sticky, gross residue on your cookware.

Source: Epicurious Breakfast Special

Triple whaa?

This week I received in the mail, among newsprint direct mail ads for King Super, glossy Sprint cards, and local restaurant menus, a renewal notice for AAA. In itself a AAA car club notice isn't that exciting but as I opened the letter I was really stunned with disbelief. I purchased the AAA membership when I decided to uproot myself from Lincoln and head southwest toward the Rockies almost ONE YEAR AGO. Has it really been this long since an unemployed, overweight Danni packed up her life and took up residence on Brandon's dining room floor?

It's an odd time for the notice to come because the last couple of weeks have been rife with excessive drinking, relationship changes, and general melancholy. A light has been redirected with the arrival of the notice center stage on me - letting the surrounding props fall away into darkness. I've been thinking about what I've done in the last year and, even more than the cliche New Year's resolutions, I've found myself formulating what the next year should be. I don't want to still be in a going-nowhere relationship and yet I've built a great circle of friends already. Spending my weekend holed up in my apartment isn't how I want to get the next letter, I want to be traveling or rediscovering my new home through cultural events. In any case, I've got one year down, a lifetime to go.

And hey, this new Chinese takeaway joint sounds delish! Two for one on Wednesday yo, holla!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Today's HOT dish

HOT dish of the day: The majestic chinchilla

411: Chinchillas must regularly bathe in dust or volcanic ash to remove oil and moisture that gathers in their thick fur. In fact, they have the highest fur density of any land animal with more than 20,000 hairs per square cm, or almost as much as Lynn's majestic, thick curly doo. They are agile jumpers and can jump up to five feet above their head. In captivity they can live up to 20 years! In Chinese, they are called lóng māo, which literally means "dragon-cat".

Why are they the first HOT dish of the day? B/c you cannot resist their awesome cuteness power.

Source: Wikipedia

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The King and I

Reasons why I suck at being a grown-up

  • Still can't handle my liquor and not only that should not be partying like a rock star at my age. (Can't remember at least two nights from last week)
  • Incapable of commitment, incapable of making a clean break with my boyfriend
  • Joined a gym last night; celebrated with a giant bag of kettle chips
  • My Bad Guy filter is stuck in the off position and the repairman said it would take at least another 2 years to get the part in
  • I still live in what amounts to a dorm room and yet can't keep it clean
  • Drunk dialing
  • Procrastination
  • Forgot to pay my electric bill as it was buried under Pampered Chef catalog covered in little hearts
  • Writing out blog notes during my work (lunch)
  • General f*ckwittage

Purity BALLS

Apparently Colorado Springs is home not only to homophobic right-wing "Christians" with reformation camps, they're making sure their girls stay "pure." Apparently women who choose to have sex are dirty, impure and don't deserve jewlry. And not only that, it's a WAR dad. Because these girls have no brains and need you to fight for the integrity of their h-units. It's like a yuppie version of a chastity belt only, like you totally like get to wear this super cool ring like on your hand. From you dad. It's a pledge to your dad that you will not have spread your wings and stay a virgin. I am all about women making the choices they want including abstinence as a personal decision, but not by bribery. And certainly not as a means of throwing a party in honor of your cherry. And, how do they know if a girl keeps her promise? Do the dads then check said area? And if failing said test do the girls have to give back the ring? I actually had a friend in high school who wore one of these "Promise" rings from her stepdad pledging her religious chastity and then, after getting knocked up in college, dropped out. I guess it wasn't a real diamond.

Seriously gross.

Glamour Magazine reports:
  • Welcome to Colorado Springs’ Seventh Annual Father-Daughter Purity Ball, held at the five-star Broadmoor Hotel. The event’s purpose is, in part, to celebrate dad-daughter bonding, but the main agenda is for fathers to vow to protect the girls’ chastity until they marry and for the daughters to promise to stay pure. Pastor Randy Wilson, host of the event and cofounder of the ball, strides to the front of the room, takes the microphone and asks the men, “Are you ready to war for your daughters’ purity?”

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Still snowy

I could barely put my arms down. That's what 15 layers of clothing will do to a person.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Throw me idol, I'll throw you the whip.

Harrison Ford, snuggly granddad, once heartthrob and frequenter of Lincoln, NE's The Night Before Lounge strip club, is set to star in Indiana Jones 4: Indie goes to Arby's, in 2008. George Lucas, Steven Spielberg and Ford have finalized the script for the fourth and long-awaited quatrille to the beloved action flicks. In the newest movie, Ford gets a coupon for four for five of Arby's lean roast beef sandwiches and goes to dinner at 3:30 PM. The imortalized whip, iconic of the Indie flicks, will be used to lasso himself a Jamoca shake and 20% off his meal. I jest but secretly am thrilled beyond reason that they're finally making a new one. This is one of the best rides at DL, fo shizzle.

New Year's Resolution

As posted on Borderline's "After the Show" section:

1. Obviously will lose at least 20 pounds
2. Will memorize The Immaculate Collection in case of Thai prison incarceration
3. Adopt a fish (frogs need not apply)
4. Take the bus to work
5. Learn how to use buses
6. Get back to riding at least 50 miles / week
7. Learn how to make gravy that doesn't frighten even Marines when inspecting the soup pot. It's going to need siving!
8. Post at least once a week on my blog
9. Begin planning European vacation
10. Stop kicking strays for fun
11. Go to the Podcast Expo 2007
12. Beat Ferg in danceoff after he's lost the Car Bomb off to Lynn
13. Return emails when sent to me
14. Stop sharking people when I don't get my way
15. Climb a mountain, and then sing "Climb Every Mountain" when have reached the summit
16. Learn how to do this "dusting" thing
17. Bust a cap
18. Reach 365 days with no self-inflicted knife wounds
19. Read at least 12 books that aren't my special picture pages
20. Take the GRE