Sunday, December 16, 2007
He and She are apparent by some distinct characteristics, for instance, they're emotional whores. They don't give two flips if you've been dating, just "been" together, been together but not "together," were married, or you simply passed one another in the aisle of Hinky Dinky from time to time. Without a second thought they'll brand you with a scarlet letter "A" as in "I've made an Asshole out of you. They also wield some other-wordly and deadly black magic. You'll notice your brain start to lose control, especially the logic lobe, and begin to convince your body to do ghastly things like drive by their houses at 1:00 AM, 2:00 AM, and 2:30 for good measure until you make sure the light is off. Now, don't believe for one second the blag magic hasn't kept up with technology. MySpace stalking is still stalking whether you're scouring their home page for new lovers' notes or seeing if they're online (and thus at home). I've been battling my own stalker this week who seems to have been permanently brain damaged but the part that knows how to text remains in tact.
For now the conclusion is no more dill pickle spears & pringles before bed.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Today's song is "Far Away" from Ingrid Michaelson's album, Girls and Boys. It's a fun, indie-soft folkie pop collection that I'm really digging. Give it a listen...and meet me on the port bow in five for a Sea Breeze and some carrot sticks. If you like any of the following you will probably enjoy the album: The Be Good Tanyas, Josh Ritter, Cake, The Squirrell Nut Zippers, Regina Spektor, old quality Lisa Loeb and Led Zepplain*.
*Not actually Led Zepplain
For Brue the Shark (pictured), resident of the Denver Acquarium restaurant
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Listen, anonymous new officemates, you're already workin' my last nerve. If there are more than two empty stalls, you DO NOT choose the one immediately next to me. I purposefully chose a stall at the very end to accommodate your endeavor. Yes, indeed I need to rip toots. I am on lots of meds and you accepted risk by getting too close. I have no issues with that. But for goddsake do NOT come sit next to me and drop a S-bomb that would kill an elephant and unleash your nasty old lady tang stank.
Other items still on the Rules List:
- Wigger: if you're not comfortable walking around casually using the "N" word don't use this. It's offensive and we know what it means.
- If traffic is busy and I let you in the lane, vigorously give me the "thank you" hand. Acting like this is your god given right and not that someone has done you a favor makes me road rage-alicious.
- Men, in the presence of women I swear to god if you use the word "tits" referring to someone in the group and present, I may de-pants and junk slap you. It's innapropriate and makes everyone feel really uncomfortable, I don't care how funny you think you're being or that everyone is "cool." This happened this week with my best group of friends and it made me feel all bad.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
I am a baseball fan. I mean that in the truest sense, I can watch 3 hours of a slow moving, fun, awesome game mostly manned by old fat guys who look like they just rolled outta their pork rind pile and stumbled out of the bar to try their hand at sports, just for the fun of it. When I was a kid my dad would sometimes get tickets to the Royals games. It was SUCH a treat, and big Danny required adult level patience and behavior. We would have treats and he would sit with me and talk about the game. I think if he had his druthers he would be buried at Cooperstown. Growing up I played competitive softball and ump'ed for girls' fast pitch games. I would sometimes work a tournament and ump 4 or 5 games in one day in the hot, dusty, h-u-m-i-d Nebraska weather. And I loved every minute of it.
Since moving to Colorado, while I couldn't care less about the Broncos taking it up the rue, I LOVE Rockies baseball. Coors Field is gorgeous with a brilliant open view of the mountains and a clean, classical architectural layout. And if you're not a sports fan, let me tell you this: this year, the young club ROCKS MY SH*T. For the first time in franchise history the team played in the NLCS (National League Championship Series) against the dirty batardos of Phoenix: The Arizona Diamondbacks.
During the game, Justin Upton was batting for the frustrated Arizona team when he was hit by a 92 mph fast ball by left-hand starter Joe Francis. Upton trotted off on a temper tantrum run to first for the HBP. On the next up-to-bat hit, Upton slide late into (my favorite player) #7 short-stop Kazuo Matsui hitting him and giving, for good measure, a nasty left hook to Matsui's leg. The umps were in agreement that this called for the forced double out rule (offensive interference). Diamondback fans were enraged and showed this by not only boo'ing but throwing water bottles and then beer bottles and trash onto THEIR - OWN - FIELD. The Rockies coach finally called his team off the field until trash was removed and the crowd calmed down.
A couple of things struck me here. A) that was about $1000 worth of Aquafina on the field and I have a feeling that Pepsi execs were creamin' their jeans. B) I thought COLORADO fans were nasty, but not abusive! Oh, I am so unhappy that my player pulled a dirty slide on the field! I'm going to throw my $9 Bud Light onto the field. Uhnnn. Mommy! *stamps feet*
They nearly ruined what was a lovely and ass-kicking game. I am so glad the Rockies stayed strong and man-handled those jerks; seriously it's a great game. Get a f'n life and accept the fact that your team and your crowd threw a group temper tantrum with the sophistication of Brittney Spears. Next time just show us your hoo-hoo too, it'd be more classy.
Today's song of the day is "Looking for a Love," by Ryan Shaw. He's a hot young singer reminiscent of Motown and 50's sock hops. I have been such a negative biatch this week, I figure I need some happy pep. Check it out from the "This is Ryan Shaw" album.
For the Keeme
Thursday, October 11, 2007
This past week, on top of everything, I have been afflicted with what I can only describe as “THBF (Too hot bath feeling) Syndrome.” I have been hovering somewhere between getting high and being just dizzy all week. I’ll grant you that the first couple of days, it was sort of amusing. Now, not so much. I did go to the scary urgent care, and yes, I am unendingly grateful on hands and knees to have healthcare again, but got the I-sort-of-care-but-don’t PA. He determined it “might be sinuses, keep doing what you’re doing, what do you think?” I don’t know dude you’re the PA. “But, for now I don’t think you need a neuro exam.” Okay, fine. What is surprising is the random stuff that makes me go all first big drop on a roller coaster, I just left my brain 20 feet above tickly feeling:
- Using my shoulder to hold a cell phone = BAD. Do not try this especially while driving.
- Moving head between notes and computer screen. I would liken this to the feeling of just nodding off in church…with a hangover. Oh, remember last night, hottie in the pool hall, jack and diet, whoa, WHOA whoa, WHOOPS, slip, slipping! L-U-R-C-H.
- Standing up. Seriously, a biatch.
- Elevators: no longer my mode of transportation. It’s okay the stairs are better for me anyway.
- Bending over to pull up pants / underpants / tie shoes. I keep thinking of that Seaseme Street where the kid learns to button his own shirt. I’m all, YEAH! I zipped up my OWN PANTS.
…oops, new one – trying to spell check on blogger. Blurgh.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Monday, October 08, 2007
- Midnight passes: no stoppin'
- 1:00 AM: declarations of love and telling pals "NO seriously, I LOVE you. When I said your significant other was gay I only meant I saw him making out with a dude once....Nooo...it's TOTALLY cool, right?"
- 2:00: stumble home
- 2:45: find secret stash of Jim Beam under the sink. Start smoking in the house and crying at a very special Sex in the City rerun on TBS.
- 3:30: crash on chair / bathroom floor / back steps.
- 5:45: Awake with a mind crushing, life altering hangover headache and whiskey sweats.
- 7:00: In blind panic awake with no idea of location, day, time, name, etc. Figure out that should be at some office somewhere; formulation of excuses begins. As have probably vomited already this works in my favor (voice is rough and raspy).
- 7:34: after careful and diligent obsession, call into work and make vague allusions to some GI matter so horrid you are actually SPARING the boss by not divulging said illness.
- 9:00: still can't sleep b/c the guilt is creating realistic and torturous dreams of being chased down by The Man while I am still in my pajamas.
- Email Sick-Day safety buddy in Chicago to inform of day at home.
- Intermittently feed self a careful diet of liquid Advil, juice and fried eggs.
- This is the point, around 11 AM when I am watching Judge Judy lay the smack down that I start to feel small, pathetic, and fall into a swirling hole of depression at the loss the day and how I've been taking my entire life for granted. Call / email Sick Day-phobe safety buddy in Chicago for reassurance of self-worth.
- 1:00 pm: begin to write detailed plan for starting life over, get healthy, become responsible, go to church, do yoga, clean my house, etc.
- 2:30: nap
- 4:00: JEEZUS craps is it ALMOST FIVE?!? I have nothing left, I have to go back to work in minutes! NO, No, wait! Wait! I didn't get to watch my Captain Ron DVD yet!!!
- 6:00: dinner out somewhere, possibly with night cap
*despite pounding sickness
Sunday, October 07, 2007
"It means a lot to me, and I know he will enjoy it a lot too. I worry that soldiers returning home (and all those overseas too) don't know how much we appreciate all that they have done. We take it for granted, or at least I did until Rob's unit got activated. So I think it is important to how our support, and this is a great way to do it. Thank you, for everything. Love, Patti. "
I am going to drive up and be part of the welcome gang. I am putting together a Welcome Home kit. I had a bath-tub brainstorm and thought how wonderful it would be if we could throw in lots of Welcome Home cards. I have so many cool, fun, creative friends who could draw a funny picture or use the attached for inspiration, write a note, and maybe just include your first name and city. I will print them all off / burn messages / include this in my kit. if you want to contribute something physical I can shoot you mailing info. I know it's short notice but I thought I would love to fill up his basket with lots of love!
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Sunday, February 04, 2007
I am so excited! My kitchen is so much bigger and you won't hit your head on the wall when sitting on the potty. It's going to be a long day. :)
Monday, January 29, 2007
There was an older woman wearing a tan cap covering an apparently bald head; a cancer patient I assumed. She wore, from what I could tell, was a five dollar pair of worn black canvas Kmart shoes, modest knit pants and long-sleeved top with a paisely pattern. And, amist the Nike and Under Armor clad youth around her, she was kicking a*s all over the gym. When I was on my tour of the building she was lifting weights. She made her way to the stretching mat, I assumed to cool down, when she grabbed the oversized exercise ball, using the handrail to lower herself to the floor, and began doing some serious ab exercises. As I was getting ready to call it quits I found her again, this time doing more cardio on a seated bike. This incredible woman was waging a battle of her own greater than my lamentations over gaining weight and facing the upcoming wedding. I want to say that it motivated me to do another rep, another round on the treadmill, but instead I just wanted to go home and write about this cool thing that I saw, eat dinner and a to take a hot bath. Maybe tomorrow...
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Why pamcakes? This is a specialty dish of Neil and a traditional Borderline breakfast meal.
Insider fact: Two pamcakes and a scrambled egg make up the favorite breakfast of Borderline's Lynn. Borderliners refer to pancakes as "pamcakes"; referenced in one of the earliest episodes nearly two years ago. In the U.S., pancakes can also be referred to as hotcakes, griddlecakes, or flapjacks.
How: low-fat starter mixes are very nice but here's a great recipe if you want to do it the from-scratch way.
- Vegetable-oil cooking spray
- 3/4 cup whole-wheat pancake mix
- 3/4 cup skim milk
- 1 egg (For 33 mg less cholesterol, 0.5 g less saturated fat and 65 mg more omega-3 fatty acids, look for omega-3 specialty eggs. BUY CAGE-FREE Eggs, it's ethically more sound)
- 1/4 cup maple syrup
- 1 cup frozen blueberries or frozen strawberries, thawed (optional)
- Coat a nonstick skillet with cooking spray and heat over low to medium.* Whisk together pancake mix, milk, and egg. Pour 4 medium-sized pancakes (about 1/4 cup batter each) onto the hot skillet. Cook about 3 minutes; flip and cook about 3 minutes more. Serve with syrup (and berries, if desired)
Source: Epicurious Breakfast Special
It's an odd time for the notice to come because the last couple of weeks have been rife with excessive drinking, relationship changes, and general melancholy. A light has been redirected with the arrival of the notice center stage on me - letting the surrounding props fall away into darkness. I've been thinking about what I've done in the last year and, even more than the cliche New Year's resolutions, I've found myself formulating what the next year should be. I don't want to still be in a going-nowhere relationship and yet I've built a great circle of friends already. Spending my weekend holed up in my apartment isn't how I want to get the next letter, I want to be traveling or rediscovering my new home through cultural events. In any case, I've got one year down, a lifetime to go.
And hey, this new Chinese takeaway joint sounds delish! Two for one on Wednesday yo, holla!
Thursday, January 25, 2007
411: Chinchillas must regularly bathe in dust or volcanic ash to remove oil and moisture that gathers in their thick fur. In fact, they have the highest fur density of any land animal with more than 20,000 hairs per square cm, or almost as much as Lynn's majestic, thick curly doo. They are agile jumpers and can jump up to five feet above their head. In captivity they can live up to 20 years! In Chinese, they are called lóng māo, which literally means "dragon-cat".
Why are they the first HOT dish of the day? B/c you cannot resist their awesome cuteness power.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
- Still can't handle my liquor and not only that should not be partying like a rock star at my age. (Can't remember at least two nights from last week)
- Incapable of commitment, incapable of making a clean break with my boyfriend
- Joined a gym last night; celebrated with a giant bag of kettle chips
- My Bad Guy filter is stuck in the off position and the repairman said it would take at least another 2 years to get the part in
- I still live in what amounts to a dorm room and yet can't keep it clean
- Drunk dialing
- Forgot to pay my electric bill as it was buried under Pampered Chef catalog covered in little hearts
- Writing out blog notes during my work (lunch)
- General f*ckwittage
Glamour Magazine reports:
- Welcome to Colorado Springs’ Seventh Annual Father-Daughter Purity Ball, held at the five-star Broadmoor Hotel. The event’s purpose is, in part, to celebrate dad-daughter bonding, but the main agenda is for fathers to vow to protect the girls’ chastity until they marry and for the daughters to promise to stay pure. Pastor Randy Wilson, host of the event and cofounder of the ball, strides to the front of the room, takes the microphone and asks the men, “Are you ready to war for your daughters’ purity?”
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
1. Obviously will lose at least 20 pounds
2. Will memorize The Immaculate Collection in case of Thai prison incarceration
3. Adopt a fish (frogs need not apply)
4. Take the bus to work
5. Learn how to use buses
6. Get back to riding at least 50 miles / week
7. Learn how to make gravy that doesn't frighten even Marines when inspecting the soup pot. It's going to need siving!
8. Post at least once a week on my blog
9. Begin planning European vacation
10. Stop kicking strays for fun
11. Go to the Podcast Expo 2007
12. Beat Ferg in danceoff after he's lost the Car Bomb off to Lynn
13. Return emails when sent to me
14. Stop sharking people when I don't get my way
15. Climb a mountain, and then sing "Climb Every Mountain" when have reached the summit
16. Learn how to do this "dusting" thing
17. Bust a cap
18. Reach 365 days with no self-inflicted knife wounds
19. Read at least 12 books that aren't my special picture pages
20. Take the GRE