Sick Day

I stayed home sick today. I don't take many Sick Days, and if I do it tends to be Diagnosis: Brown Bottle Flu. This is how a typical Sick Day goes:

• Midnight passes: no stoppin'
• 1:00 AM: declarations of love and telling pals "NO seriously, I LOVE you. When I said your significant other was gay I only meant I saw him making out with a dude once....Nooo...it's TOTALLY cool, right?"
• 2:00: stumble home
• 2:45: find secret stash of Jim Beam under the sink. Start smoking in the house and crying at a very special Sex in the City rerun on TBS.
• 3:30: crash on chair / bathroom floor / back steps.
• 5:45: Awake with a mind crushing, life altering hangover headache and whiskey sweats.
• 7:00: In blind panic awake with no idea of location, day, time, name, etc. Figure out that should be at some office somewhere; formulation of excuses begins. As have probably vomited already this works in my favor (voice is rough and raspy).
• 7:34: after careful and diligent obsession, call into work and make vague allusions to some GI matter so horrid you are actually SPARING the boss by not divulging said illness.
• 9:00: still can't sleep b/c the guilt is creating realistic and torturous dreams of being chased down by The Man while I am still in my pajamas.
  
• Email Sick-Day safety buddy in Chicago to inform of day at home.
  
• Intermittently feed self a careful diet of liquid Advil, juice and fried eggs.
• This is the point, around 11 AM when I am watching Judge Judy lay the smack down that I start to feel small, pathetic, and fall into a swirling hole of depression at the loss the day and how I've been taking my entire life for granted. Call / email Sick Day-phobe safety buddy in Chicago for reassurance of self-worth.
• 1:00 pm: begin to write detailed plan for starting life over, get healthy, become responsible, go to church, do yoga, clean my house, etc.
• 2:30: nap
• 4:00: JEEZUS craps is it ALMOST FIVE?!? I have nothing left, I have to go back to work in minutes! NO, No, wait! Wait! I didn't get to watch my Captain Ron DVD yet!!!
• 6:00: dinner out somewhere, possibly with night cap

Today, sadly, broke all those rules and oddly actually being sick as crap made my Sick Day so stress free! I slept until 12, found out my car is dead and still managed to snack / nap away the afternoon. Far and away most relaxing and best sick day in years.*

*despite pounding sickness