Your Mom

Friday, October 02, 2009

Observations: edition 1

I have recently tried to take a step back and look at myself and lifestyle compared to other "adults." After getting "You're a weirdo" jokes one too many times from friends it struck me that perhaps I should try to step outside myself if you will and see what if anything really is different about me compared to others. I want to find the explanation for why when I do things that seem totally normal, even my closest friends shake their heads and mutter, "Oh Danni."

I sleep in my clothes 90% of the time. Usually I just go until I fall down and sleep in what I wore that day. Apparently many adults wear "pajamas" or clothes made especially for nighttime or no clothes at all. Odd. This seems to really bother other people including best friends, sisters, mothers and boyfriends (for a totally different reason).
Breakfast - it seems as those there are specific foods that are generally accepted as breakfast or morning hour meals. I, however, will eat anything I find and if I'm particularly hungry prefer to eat a "lunch" or "dinner" meal at breakfast and be fine until the evening. Example, today I found a four day old Subway 6" (I can't resist the $5 footlong, it's only $1.30 more than a 6"! Baffling) and put it in the oven (for health and safety reason) and ate it for "breakfast." It was perfectly delicious but some find this to be somewhat disdainful. What can I say? I was out of Ramen. Two days ago I ate leftover pizza I pried from a box on the table - it was just fine.
Fun - the other day I found a copy of crossword puzzles on PS2 for $.39 on Amazon and ordered it for myself and my roommate. I was so excited! We both love trivia and watching TV (she prefers shows of the mindless order as escapism) so I thought that would be a cool group activity. When it came in the mail I happily exclaimed to she and her boyfriend, "Guess what I got for us! Crossword puzzles for PS2!" As it came out of my mouth, and I saw the reaction on their faces, it dawned on me that I was now uncool even by a-sexual MENSA librarian standards.
Personal injury: normal adults don't seem to get injured with the consistently high rate and irregular manner I do. Some examples: went to get a jacket, a 50 pound tub of sporting equipment fell conveniently on my forehead; cut off part of my finger with basically a metal ruler; opened the palm of my hand a quarter-inch on a child's block toy; leaned over to get a toilet brush, knocked self out on bathtub; went to the mountains to journal and relax, got shingles; scooted car seat back, cut open my heel about 1/2 inch deep on the tracks that move said seat back and forth.
Self-speak: I regularly narrate my day to myself, and frequently I go back over conversations, television shows, movies, to-be-written movies about me, and songs in my mind. It's like the Daily Danni Soundtrack. Sadly, sometimes this doesn't stick to interior monologue and I start mouthing or embarrassingly speaking this gibberish out loud. I remember once when my sister was in high school I was doing my college laundry, and I looked up and she was giving a timid: do I laugh or be worried look. She said, "What are you doing? Are you talking to someone?" It's a compulsion I try to keep at bay. Compulsion means it's not my fault, right?

I think this investigation will require some time - I am going to keep my eye out as much as possible for answers.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

New-age child abuse

Can we say, "Therapy 4evr"? Disgusting.

Put away the ipecac

"Believe it or not, I've been a person of faith all my life...This press conference is a consequence." Just accept that you COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY fucked up.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Literal Videos: Total Eclipse of the Heart

"Emo kid is throwing Slow-Mo Dove at my face, guess that means he flipped me the bird."

I dare you not to laugh your face off.

Brand Claims: Motion activated suburbia scents

Has anyone else been paying attention to these ridicadonk war of commercials between Glade, Febreeze, and other nonsensical purveyors of air perfume? The newest campaign by Glade guarantees an all-knowing room freshener that releases air freshener but is "smart enough" to "know" when there's too much motion and will hold off on over-stankifying a room. When will the madness end?!? It used to be that an air freshener was an unspoken item in the lavatory that you kept around in case Grandpa had too much scalloped cabbage. In rare cases, it might be used before company - a whalloping rose or potpourri tornado would engulf the entire room an invade your eyes, ears, nostrils and mouth before fading quietly in 30 seconds or less - leaving you temporarily blind and nauseated in a ball on the floor.

I don't understand this obsession, first the plug-in gel packs (ok kept a dorm room less gross). Then there came heated electrical oil bulbs. WARNING, WARNING! Does this not go against every common sense safety rule we've been learning since childhood? Oil + electrical sparks? Go ahead, plug it directly into the wall attached to your house! Then came Febreeze "Scentstories." No, it's not enough for your Yankee candle to make your room smell like a cookie and give you the munchies, or a gelpack to ring in the scents of the holidays, it's gotta tell an actual story. The story that Febreeze tells me is that for $65-$80 I can have a pretend scent vacation in my living room and no money left for food. Hurray! I truly believe in the next decade, they will come up with a nasal implant that smells like cinnamon and thus negates any need for disposable household accessories to cover up where the dog peed last week.

On a sidenote, I may need to quit arguing with the TV when these commercials come on, or I may find myself on a Scentstory of a straight jacket, Valium and therapists' couch.

Song of the Day: I Love it Loud

Song of the Day is the Phunk Junkeez cover of Kiss's "I Love it Loud" from the Tommy Boy soundtrack. I should just make this whole album the music of the day - laced with audio from the movie it's a great way to spend a Thursday / Friday afternoon. Trust. I couldn't find any good inklays so if anyone wants to utpay one in the ommentskay that would be weetsay. * wink * I am so sneaky like that.