Yesterday I spent more than a small amount of time packing...well, to be specific, I spent a lot of time going through my main closet, the hall closet and two chests of drawers...and four linen closet spaces to sort out my clothes. Each space began with a cursory editing, followed by a more forceful and yet apathetic review. I found it difficult to give up some of my most beloved articles - a pair of old saddle boots, dress shirts from my first out of college job and even my studded camo dance-club pants. In the end, twelve bags full of clothes were loaded into my car and taken to the Lincoln People's City Mission drop-off site. I have to admit that while thinking of others helped me unearth my collected piles of clothes, I felt a shameful regret as I left my last bag in the warehouse entry. I was leaving my things, MY THINGS, pieces of me to fend for themselves in a loud and scary place. I felt very much like you do as a child, when someone else takes your toy - it’s YOUR thing and it feels unjust that it’s not with you.
Deep down I was really hoping that someone there would applaud me - they would reassure me that the things I was leaving behind were DESPERATELY needed and would go to good use. I imagined even a name coming into play, "Oh, Sara and Sondra need these jeans so badly so they can go to the school dance. Its such a good thing that you gave up those low-rise Levi’s with the embellished pockets.” No such luck. Only two of the three guys there loading a moving truck spoke English, and only one didn’t seem like a serial killer. I told them to take care and quickly hopped back into my car, and backed out of the dark alley.
My clothes are so difficult to sort because my weight has run up and down – and who knows where it will be tomorrow? How do I know what kind of clothes I’ll need in Denver? Will the high-altitude shrink me or will I balloon like a beach ball? These questions plagued me – I felt good about ridding myself of extra material things I don’t need but I also felt a kind of donator’s remorse. So I went home and ate a brownie.